Sure, I'm happy to answer questions. Nope, I went to therapy because I needed to get my new (at that time) clinical anxiety under control as it was severely hampering my work performance. I had previously worked in jobs that didn't require a lot of interaction with people, but this new job was different.

So, I had no idea what I was getting into, or what I turned out to need.

I had no idea I was alexithymic, and also had no idea how much I hated myself, as those issues were my normal. I actually expected just 12 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) sessions to "fix myself", and expected therapy to be about how I should think positive and quit whining.

I'd say I got immensely lucky as the CBT therapist noticed my deep mistrust and my deep emotional detachment. She would feel there was nothing to connect to, not much sense of me as a person.

Crucially, she didn't see me as incompatible with therapy even when she realised I was incompatible with CBT. She recognised I needed a different kind of therapy and tried several approaches to see what might help. In no way did she blame or shame me, and she recognised her sense of helplessness and other feelings (eg, that there wasn't any connection due to my detachment) as information.

So she tried Schema Therapy, which is a relational therapy (there are others) because it conceptualized detachment as protective and necessary

I had to end work with her as she went on maternity leave, but critically and extremely fortunate for me again...she referred me to a colleague after very careful consideration.

I understand not understanding that. [emoji4] I didn't recognise what it was like until a long time after.

For me, it felt like I could talk about my issues and that I wouldn't be judged negatively like my past experiences. I had the sense that I was seen as a human being (although that was an utterly foreign concept to me), and not a project to be fixed.

I felt that my defenses were respected, and we talked as partners about those defenses. There was warm curiosity about why I had my defenses, which is different from cold curiosity. I would be invited to lower my defenses a little but it was always an invitation, and the rationale was explained.

For example, emotional numbing means I don't feel any positive emotions. I spent my days and nights like a robot who just works.

Possibly. She (current therapist) and my former therapist said to me that they thought all therapists should be like them, though.

I'd tell them about friends who had harmful therapists or my own experiences with a harmful therapist and they'd get quietly angry at those therapists.

Yup, exactly. My own experiences are like what you describe. More and more numbness.

I don't really know how I "thawed" just that my defenses were never torn down or dismantled, but invited to lower them a bit, and that I could shoot up my defenses when I needed to. For example, it was understood that I'd need my defenses due to the environment I was in at work and with my family etc. That it would be harmful if I left the therapy session feeling raw and exposed. So they ended sessions by helping me bring my defenses back up, although I don't remember how.

I wanted to function better at work, as my issues included poor interpersonal skills with colleagues.

Only later were my goals to have genuine friends. I had none, and no acquaintances, when I started therapy. I didn't think such a goal was possible because "who would want to be friends with me?"

Earlier in my post, I mentioned friends. That came later, as I needed help to recognise traits of the kind of people I wanted to have as friends. Such as non judgment.

Some of my friends do have similar emotional detachment and feelings of being a hollow shell. That's alright with me, they and I are humans with defenses. And crucially for me and them, at least, we respect each other's defenses.