I’m shaky today being around him. He asked me how I felt yesterday (he was doing his own daily check in and I guess wanted to involve me, having me check in emotionally). I was honest and said I was feeling some sadness. He said we should explore that after he buys weed and smokes. So when he is ready he asks me why I’m sad. I sensed he wasn’t asking for reasons of comfort or care, more like he was challenging me about what in the world I should feel sad about. I opened up anyway and told him how I was feeling. I even sad sadness might not be the word, but that I was feeling a lack of other feelings and was feeling depleted and was needing to regenerate (I just came out of the hospital, they thought I might have life threatening clot but didn’t). He again challenged me with what am I doing about my feelings? I gave a list of things I had been doing that day, and said my plan was just to take it easy. He again challenged me, asking “but what are my efforts?” I repeated my efforts, and said I am fine, that I think I’m feeling normally as someone would considering what I’d just been through, and that it should resolve with time. I did sense he was poking at me for no reason instead of just accepting me, or shoot, even saying something nice. I said I think I’m doing alright considering, ffs. I didn’t say ffs to offend him, but more like thinking back over everything I had endured in the hospital because it was tough. He stomped off while sarcastically thanking me for the great talk. I guess he thought he was trying to help me and I wasn’t receptive? He said I need to get a counselor, and that my message to him was how the f could he not understand that I feel sad (which upset him?).
I got quite flustered since I was already feeling depleted, and pointed out how he asked me how I felt, I opened up, and all that came of it was I felt worse engaging him. It was my way to say thanks but no thanks, I guess. He then starts sending me articles about how other people are not responsible for one’s feelings. I guess that’s a way to make himself look good? I asked him why he is sending me these articles, and he said it’s self explanatory, and that I’m a smart person who should be able to figure it out. I told him I hadn’t made him responsible for my feelings, and that when talking about my feelings I hadn’t mentioned him at all. He said he wanted to educate me about my behavior so that I can be in the same page as him. I said I really didn’t need him to teach me anything, and he told me my ego stinks.
I left for a few hours to be away from him. When I got back he asked where I went and I said I took a drive since things weren’t going in a healthy way. He said he hopes I got what I needed from my drive and then walked away to do his own thing.
There were other similar happenings the evening before with him telling me I should have done this, that, and the other (about our kids homework), and degrading my efforts FOR NO REASON. I kept trying to redirect it or defend myself or explain, but he just continued to criticize me. He said my kid and I are doing nothing to help the situation (although we had literally just been addressing the situation). I asked him to clarify his comment-was he saying our efforts are zero? And he said yes she and I are doing nothing. I said to him that actually he is the one doing nothing except criticizing me. He didn’t like that and wanted to be away from me (hid in the back yard).
Today, he tries to act like nothing happened. I was minimally responding to his small talk this morning because I am nervous to engage him, and he was asking about whether my health issue has resolved or returned. I said I’m good. I was anxious. He sneezed and I said bless you, but I guess it wasn’t loud enough, so he said “oh wow! You can’t even manage a bless you!” I said I actually did say bless you, and he said that if so, I hadn’t said it loud enough for anyone to have heard it. I said that these interactions aren’t like self-healing material, rather they take effort to heal. He said he has no idea what I’m talking about, and he left.
Now he’s back with a book from the library. Maybe he will want to educate me, but hopefully he focuses on soothing himself because i don’t know that engaging with him will bring anything positive.
He won’t apologize for criticizing me unnecessarily, stomping off, being rude,and “shoulding” me (he tells me this is a big no-no) because of course it’s me who did something wrong (what though??). I think he is in a childish state right now. I have unconditional love for him it seems. I don’t want to encourage his selfish behavior (I did tell him I thought he was being selfish yesterday).
What does he get out of telling me again an again that I make no effort, and am not doing what I should? What does he think “helping myself and taking responsibility for my feelings looks like for me?
I suspect he is projecting, and said yesterday that I think he is projecting onto me.
Also- I think this could have been his way of “getting back at me” because I had asked him the day before about whether he will be able to do his addiction counseling (part of his mental health plan) now that he just took a new job (when I thought he was holding off working for awhile since he was just inpatient twice in the last month). Since I was in the hospital he was smoking even more due to his worry and smoking very heavily once I was home.