It has been a while, since I posted on here. I am feeling incredibly isolated and thanks to my ongoing hypochondria, the pandemic has put me in a state of unending fear, which has amplified my fears of isolation.

I live in constant reminders of this pandemic, which further solidifies my desire to shut out the world. The masks, signs, people detouring around me have put me in such a state of helplessness that I come here. Where has compassion gone? Where has empathy gone? I don't want to be so isolated, yet with the constant reminders, I rarely want to escape my cave. Yet, when I venture outside of my cave, I only get reminded of how vulnerable we are as humans.

I am not here to debate the efficacy of masks, nor the lethality of the virus, yet it has made such an impact on me. I tried going to a store and had such a massive panic attack that I ran out of the store. I literally feel like I am going insane and trying to keep myself together.

Pre-covid days, whenever I would get a stomach ache, I would immediately think it was stomach cancer. Cough, my mind would meander to Pulmonary fibrosis. My mind absolutely terrified of diseases/illnesses and this has been with me all of my life. Now, with this global pandemic, I struggle to surface and find myself dog paddling to just keep afloat and not think of death.

Rarely, I can find solace in this world and it has been adding to my paranoia. The ultimate hypocrisy, I fear isolation, yet I fear the virus; yet, this fear leads me to isolate myself to such a point that I question hope.

sorry for the rant...

--sarc