It would probably be easier for him to finish his mental health plan before taking on a job, but he decided to pursue a job although his doctor signed a paper saying he is unable to work right now. All I can do is support him and try not to stand in his way because there is no chance he would heed any concern of mine. Perhaps his self-worth needs a job or he wants the money because he is a spender, it’s part of his coping skills, which is why he’s resorted to collecting free things on Craigslist so at least he can have new stuff.

There is resentment for me with the spending because he dashes any wealth we have and when I say I’m worried we will end up with nothing, he only says we’re fine. He tried to put our house as collateral on a bad idea, I did not agree, he did not care if agreed and said he would do it without me. Luckily the bank turned him down or we’d be homeless I guess because his idea tanked and “we” owe $38k on it because he managed to get a different loan that didn’t leverage our house. He did not give one second of pause or thought about what if we lost our house (our only source of wealth and no back up money, and no relatives with money to help out).

He gets angry and very mean to me when I stand in the way of his spending (more in the past but also not so long ago). So I guess within that are many times his wants come before my needs. Mostly because he believes he needs the things he wants. He behaves like if he does not get what he wants, then something very bad will happen. It has to with his tendencies and need to avoid his trauma as it turns out. There is only so much to go around and he gobbles it up before you can blink. Also, I guess I put aside basic emotional needs to cater to his wants (which he believes are needs to survive). Should I have catered to it? No but I was raised to be this way and only overcame it after years of counseling. Then I went to work and have been supporting the family the last four years. He has contributed too of course, but he takes far more than his share. Is this financial tension why he insists to hurry back to work? I don’t think it’s because of my thoughts about it.

He has changed his mind several times about a job, which job, in the last two weeks. He changes his mind almost every day. He is struggling and doing his best. He is handed new therapy tools but he is learning how to use them and not always using them as intended. He took one therapy tool, used it to his detriment unfortunately, and ended up back inpatient in worse shape than before. He overcame that.

The marriage counseling started because he was in a holding pattern and had not pursued the therapy the doctor ordered and it was like navigating a minefield around here. Even our son stopped speaking to him completely for months because of his aggressive angry attitude that he had been splashing around every chance he could get. My son straight asked me why I stay and how I tolerate him.

Things were so tense and feeling hopeless. I said I wanted to do counseling and he agreed because I said it has become a requirement for me. He then skipped our first session and went inpatient the next day. The timing was a coincidence since he had been heading towards breakdown already. I’m not sure if the counseling helps, it doesn’t seem to hurt.

He has a lot of work to do on the relationship, but he can’t care about that if he doesn’t care about himself, which is a big struggle for him. He needs me to care about him and pump him up but that’s hard to do when the relationship gets to be in such poor shape. I just try to give him space and I am a stable even keeled type person, which he relies on. Also, he has ignored me and our kids almost completely.

In ways I don’t understand how I’ve stayed, in ways I don’t understand how I could break it up. He recently told me he’s likely a burden and I can leave him and be with someone else. He also says the reason he is still alive is for me and the kids. But he’s trying to want to live for himself too.

Even more so, he prob doesn’t get the way he processes his feelings.
He relaxes, sleeps and watches movies when he is depressed or wants to.