Very depressed today at times. Right now. Before. Today was a good day to go to work though as a distraction. I’m feeling very blah, like disinterested in anything. Staring at the ceiling in silence seems to be a pretty good time to me.

My pdoc wants to see me tomorrow but I’d have to leave work early AGAIN. I mean not until 3pm when the kids are already gone but still. I could at least get a dr note for this one. But I really don’t want to ask my supervisor AGAIN to leave early, even if it is just a half hour. I’m checking in with my therapist again on Friday and right now I’m not feeling completely out of control aside from high SH urges and moderate SI.

I am getting something weird again, something that happened back in 2014. I was extremely depressed but I could interact with people appropriately briefly. AS SOON AS I wasn’t near someone I would get an image of SI, or something coming at me, or something like that. Recently it’s been things coming at me (and by things I mean vague attackers) but today during the staff meeting I saw myself getting up and smashing/throwing chairs several times. It’s a clear flash of an image, not just a thought. I mean the staff meeting was yet another explanation of how they’re going to micromanage us even further so it was annoying. But they’re all annoying and depending on how my mood is in general sometimes infuriating.

But yeah, last time the images in this capacity foreshadowed a looming hospitalization. In fact that was the exact hospitalization that convinced me to never, ever go off meds again because I got very paranoid as well. Thinking people were reading my mind and such.

I dunno, my regular appt with her is in just one week so I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Edit: my therapist said something interesting today as I was lamenting how I didn’t know what triggered this and it’s so frustrating. She pointed out it started right after our wedding and that it could be subconsciously trauma related from my first marriage. I don’t know, it’s definitely real but maybe it’s also my mind trying to test out RS still subconsciously, since we’re actually married and tethered now. She’s very smart.