My whole life seems to be just one giant joke. Everyday I discover new pain and experience old pain.

Growing up I didn't experience love, my parents were always busy with my siblings or work and didn't spend much time with me. My first sexual experience was when I was 8 years old. I was over at a older childs house for a sleepover just the two of us. She had me do things I do not want to get into. This only happened once.

After that I did everything I could to avoid sex or sexual topics, even covering my ears when someone said the word.

When I was about 19 I had my first boyfriend. I never felt sexual urges I just did what he wanted. I never went all the way with him though. After that relationship ended I tried dating, I would say sexual things, I would even send images, but I never crossed that line. When I was 21 I was raped, that was my first sexual experience. Afterwards I spiraled and just slept around with strangers.

I sometimes would find and date but I was abused by more or less all of them. They would use me for sex or money sometimes both. I have never stepped out of a relationship physically. But I have sent photos, videos, talked about sex and sexted. I do not know whats wrong with me.

On to my recent issue, I started to try dating online and I was always approached by men looking for a good time or catfish. I don't really get urges? I just go through the motions. I mean I'm able to sometimes achieve an orgasm and such. But thats just a bonus. I hadn't had sex in well over a year then the other day I messed up. I started talking to someone and then I met them in person and had unprotected sex. I am taking the morning after pill tomorrow. I can't believe how stupid I was. I just don't know, when I am triggered I can't control myself. Its like I'm not in control, my brain screams no but the rest of me just does things.

After the hook up, I drove home crying and upset. I deleted the apps/sites I was registered on. I also blocked and deleted men and messages. I can't stop crying and hating myself for doing what I did.

I have been diagnosed as:

Autistic
Major Depression
Anxiety
Panic disorder
Possibly Bi-Polar
Severe PTSD