Well I can see how it feels hard for you to decide what to do with all this relationship. You have that compassion for his bad state and he has some insight too in his clearer moments, but he's also pretty much a burden close to ruining your life and the lives of the kids. I didn't read the whole thread so I apologise if this has come up before, but what if separation for like a year would actually be useful? It may be helpful to him if he didn't have to feel like a burden, and could pull himself together alone. And then afterwards see if you two go your separate ways forever or not.



Probably, yeah, they end up getting "taken care of" on their own if he gets lucky is my guess, while he's distracting himself. Not real processing of course. But then for guys, it usually isn't necessary and can be a burden to them to focus on all of the feelings so closely. Just when something is actually important and very meaningful. (I am generalising, I don't know him obviously)



The last line is why maybe going a different way you've been going before (ideally, mutually deciding with him on separation, temporary or not) could help in changing that old pattern too with your father.