I still need the olanzepine. I will not stop that yet.

I smoked too much weed, tried to focus and realized that I was stoned - So I decided to listen to Terence Mckenna - It was very enjoyable for me (Even though I was fading in and out and but it got better)..

- I searched what he said about the universe being "information", found a good metaphysical explanation from a spiritual teacher... While reading and listening to these things, it felt deep and transcendent? and I could see my imagination quite vividly! A little scary.. But interest lately (For me) has been overruling fear.

I read it again when it wore off (+ Dexedrine kicked in) which made my reading 20-30x faster and I missed all of the INFORMATION (Experience of non-judgemental western society thinking), as if it was nothing...

Look a little closer and you'll see
Things aren't always what they seem to beee

So it was a good time.. I feel like I want my mood to be higher when I'm not distracted/having enough dopamine.. I like to be productive cuz of the way society is - But in other ways, my mom could come home all stressed out and I could be like my dad, "Hey mannn.. How was work?" - Or any other stoner.

I get energy vibes from my mom because she's a control freak, so when my dad comes to visit, he gives me a different energy and I realize "Ah ok.. I can stop always feeling a sense of paranoia/on edge about everything that I do". Then I have thoughts like, ah yes.. I should be independent..

Where does productivity get me anyways? It's a Western societal thing.. Money - At the expense of unimaginable suffering.. Or even China, same thing..

I started looking at esoteric philosophy.. I want to know all about it..



As long as I don't lose my mind, I'm Ok.. But I'm always searching, scouring for things... I will find the golden seed and plant it in the pineal gland of a God.