I did see my pdoc today, dipped out of work a half hour early. She’s upping seroquel xr. We’ll see how it goes. CVS had to “special order” it I’ll get it eventually.

It was very hard to stay at work the whole day, had to take a PRN to get through. I had to take it last night as well, for some reason I had the opposite reaction to RS and when he moved over to go to sleep I started to panic about “being alone” even though clearly I was not alone. Ugh I just can’t get a grip.

I’m kinda in a mood where idgaf about anything, on the highway I’m like go ahead and hit me see if I care, regarding world events I’m like well if something goes down it’ll save me the trouble, oh I have work today, f—-it. I’m going to eat whatever tf I want. I ate a big dinner but I only had a little non dairy Ice cream and though I’d like to keep eating I have reigned myself in.

My pdoc has suggested I try to figure out some accommodations I may need at work and apply for them citing my disability. Oh, it so hard to admit that the bipolar has gotten to the point of being a constant threat of disabling episodes. I’m sure many, if not most of you who are no longer able to work had a hard time grappling with the decision. Even just referring to myself as one with a chronic disabling illness is so hard.

But the truth of the matter is since I’ve been working full time (10 years) there has only been one year where I did not have to take short term disability for three months (or more). And I got fired that year anyway.

I know eventually, probably sooner than I’d like, I won’t be able to work full time at all anymore. I may not even be able to work part time. Whether it’s because the episodes become too severe or the medication I eventually end up on has too many side effects, or both, I know it’s coming. I won’t be able to work full time until retirement age, that’s another thirty years for me.

Well my therapist will help me navigate the ADA laws and figure out exactly what accommodations would be necessary (really I just need the ability to leave early for extra appointments and days off documented with dr notes). My company is going to give me a really hard time because according to them I “haven’t worked enough hours” to be eligible for intermittent FMLA. The hours are reset yearly. I need to find out exactly how many hours one needs because I think there’s something fishy going on. I think I’m being penalized because I work in the school, not the actual hospital, and therefore I don’t technically work over the summer. And I only work 7 hours a day, not 8 or 12.

The HR person is extremely unhelpful generally but if I start threatening with ADA she might find it motivating, shall we say.

I don’t know. It’s all a lot to think about but something I have to start considering as my reality.