Thank you AliceKate, yes I hope to get control back over my weight when I stop breast feeding. At the moment it really feels like all I do is sit and feed or rock him. I used to walk a lot and visit lots of places, I also used to smoke constantly which was instead of eating.

Thanks wheeler, I did get referred when I was still pregnant to the mental health team in the area, but they discharged me when they found out I had a private therapist. If it gets any worse I think I must have meds to try as everything is too hard.

Thanks LT, and for sharing your experience. I have told my T how I feel honestly but I do feel pretty stupid, as I used to go on about wanting a baby aaaall the time and he never seemed to think it was the best idea. It took us years to conceive. I had given up tbh. I didn't think it would be in a pandemic of course which has made it harder. I've thrown money away paying for baby classes and not going as I am just too exhausted to go when the time comes. I don't think I realised that babies are never happy to just sit and watch or play for a bit? Mine won't do 5 minutes on his own. I don't have any friends or family close to help in any way. I was so sick through the pregnancy with HG (was it you that said you suffered this too?) So my body image is messed up, I've gone up and down between 9 and 15 stone in the last year and worried I'll never like myself again.

I feel like COVID ruined all the things I was hoping to do, and now I have a baby I will never get a chance to do them. I do fantasise about smoking etc but if anything happened to him I couldn't forgive myself. I can't pump either! He has a formula if he's hungry when I'm at therapy. I took him to therapy when he was 5 weeks but it was too awkward to feed him there and I couldn't concentrate. Yes I do miss just being able to make art or read a book. Sorry this is long maybe I should've said it in a PM!