Hello

One of my coping mechanisms is to be in my head.

So I've started doing body centred practises, connecting to emotions via the body. Today I did a meditation practice of getting in touch with body sensations(some of you may be familiar with focussing technique and the felt sense).

Anyway, I was led to my abdomen area, solar plexus just below ribs. What came up, was the sensation and word HOLLOW.

Further enquiry led to "not there". and then came the punchline of "I don't exist" "I don't matter".

And with that the childhood memory arose of my mother's pattern of silent treatment. In addition to the physical beating, and meanness, this tactic was like agonising torture to me.

I remembered the public shame, feeling like nothing. And the increasing desperation to reconnect and get back into her good books as the days (sometimes weeks) went by.

Now I understand the feeling of hunger that can't seem to be filled.

Can any of you relate to this?