Five months is tough. You have had your baby long enough that the newness has worn off, you have a sleep debt that it feels like you'll never pay off, and the mundanity of spending every day and night with a infant makes you long for your old life. If you haven't had a baby before, it might be helpful to hear that some of these things get easier as your kid gets older and you will eventually get parts of your old life back. For me it really hit me that I felt like myself again when my kid was around eighteen months old, but I think it could have happened earlier if I had made it a priority.

Does your baby nap independently? My older kid would only sleep while being held for several months as a baby, and it was somehow both boring and exhausting. I felt like I could never do anything else, but it did eventually end. I like Janet Lansbury's stuff about independent play for babies, but she might also be a bit "out there" for some people.

I'm not just telling you that all this stuff is normal and thus doesn't warrant changes or support. I do think it's worth investigating meds for your mental health and help from your midwife/OB for the pain. You may be able to do pelvic floor PT or something to help. And as far as your T, maybe you can tell him about the urges to do self-destructive things being a symptom that you're not okay, regardless of whether you follow through. After my first was born, I kinda felt like I didn't have time to be depressed anymore and almost immediately developed chronic back pain instead. All that stress and emotion has to go somewhere, and hopefully your T can help you through it.