Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahSweden
Thanks.
I agree some of my beliefs about my former therapist and how I percieved her are based on my projections. I guess I want a therapist who is similar to me in how she lives, what values she has and so on. Even if I agree the therapeutic skills arenīt depending on how the therapist lives per se, to me itīs the wholeness that matters.
I want someone who can relate to me and who I can relate to, it isnīt only the tehcnical skills that matters. I think Iīve believed a little too much in the therapist being able to relate to me when she in fact used techniques to made me feel heard and validated. Which of course is positive and a skill I appreciate in a therapist.
Of course anyone can spend their money on what the like and suits them but my trust in a therapist builds from feeling that she has at least partly a similar life as mine. That means she doesnīt have a lot of money or live in a large and fancy house. For example my former therapist, who this post is about, told me she didnīt have that many friends and she also told me she and her husband couldnīt have kids. To me, such things tells me she can relate to me and my situation.
I understand itīs not all happy and lucky for a person who has a lot of money and a large family but itīs much harder for me to bond with such a person than with a person who lives a similar life as I do.
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Not criticising you, Sarah as I've asked my current therapist a lot if she can relate to my past and current circumstances and the painful experiences in my life.
I firmly believe folks can sense incongruence in therapists and my T does agree folks can sense inauthenticity.
There's also nothing wrong in wanting a therapist with common shared values.
I'm using examples here on how my therapist shows me her
shared values even though we're very different socio-economically and in other significant ways.
As she lives in a really nice house with her parents and siblings and sometimes goes to nice fancy restaurants.
As well as certain demographic features as she's got a PhD, and more opportunities I never got, and I'm not university educated.
She doesn't have to personally have experienced what I have and what other clients have, in order to be able to put herself in my shoes. She can empathise and respond with compassion (and not pity, folks can sense it).
She can still relate in important ways because she knows a wide range of people in her professional and personal life. Which of course I don't know details about, due to confidentiality, but she has said stuff on which shows me she understands.
I'm sure there are therapists who only know other middle class people etc.
My therapist has a sliding scale where those who can easily afford more, pay more. And those in financial hardships pay less.
I'm currently mostly unable to work yet don't qualify for even time limited partial state assistance with living expenses. Even as my life savings are almost gone and I've been malnourished as a result. Which of course is depressing and I get suicidal often.
So I'm seeing my therapist for free, temporarily.
Another example, my therapist is Christian and my society in general is full of conservative Christians with certain values which are very bigoted.
Disclaimer: Please know I don't hate Christians, and I'm NOT looking to start a debate and am only using my lived experience as someone with a ton of emotional scars due to experiencing a ton of direct and indirect harm from a particular kind of Christian.
So, I have had justified fears I'll be referred to "conversion therapy" or be judged for my sexual orientation and gender identity. And of course I projected onto my T. Which is probably normal.
My T proved to be safe, understanding my fears and deep pain, and I've been slowly working on my religious abuse.
Some questions. You don't have to answer these. [emoji4]
Maybe that therapist of yours gives therapy at a church in order to help the less fortunate?
Maybe she donates money to charities?
Maybe in her restaurant business, she pays workers a good wage (some places have no minimum wage or it isn't enough to live on) simply because she wants to, instead of accumulating even more money as she knows she's well off?