I don't think I was honest today. Ok, I know I wasn't honest. About the bad dreams I mean. I don't think it has anything to do with me reading disturbing things. The actual reason is mundane and insignificant. I don't really know why I didn't want to tell you. I still don't. It has nothing to do with trusting you. It's just one of those things I have an inexplicable aversion to for absolutely no reason. You know, it's almost like a compulsion. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have OCD or anything. But, and I'm realizing this as I write it, the avoidance of random tasks helps with the anxiety about feeling overwhelmed. I realize that doesn't make a ton of sense given I'm mostly overwhelmed because I'm avoiding so many things.

And maybe I've been having bad dreams again for a bit and didn't tell you. I was hoping they would just go away so I didn't want to upset myself by acknowledging them. I also feel guilty for having them. Why? Because I know when I go to bed when it's going to be a bad night. Knowing ahead of time makes me feel like I'm somehow making it happen. Or that I'm being negligent or something in going to sleep knowing I'm going to have a bad dream. That maybe the belief that there will be a nightmare is cause rather than premonition.

Meh. I must be getting close to something sensitive because I've abruptly lost interest in writing this post. Off I go..