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Originally Posted by Cardooney
And I worry because he isn’t doing anything yet about his addiction, and he hasn’t even started the new job. He hasn’t started trauma therapy or addiction counseling.
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Damn! Pardon me, but I wasn't aware of this. I thought he already started working on all that, including the new job. That completely changes my evaluation of the situation. I seriously suggest that you steel yourself and drop the hope that this could be going in a good direction soon and fast enough. It will not. Unfortunately. It's a sad truth.
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So things will probably get harder from here. I wouldn’t say he was or is trying to use his tools to understand me. He was using tools to be superior over me, etc which is why I was not receptive whatsoever. Or best case scenario, he thought I was feeling something he thinks I shouldn’t have been and thought it was his duty to change that.
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Yeah, it doesn't really get better than that "best case" scenario.
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He told me he was going to call his brother because he wanted to share his progress and wanted to let his brother know that he “found a way to protect them.”
I cautioned him a bit saying maybe he’s triggered and to maybe slow down a bit and be careful, and also pointed out how he said he was protecting him and his brother (part of his trauma thinking) and that it’s not his job to protect his brother. (His brother is fine and the trauma happened over 30 years ago).
He said “I don’t value you” and made a twiddly gesture with his fingers, like maybe to mimic someone talking? I said I know you don’t value me, and remade the twiddly gesture.
He said weird stuff to our kid today, she told me. Made no sense what he was saying to her. Giving her weird advice and projecting weird thoughts onto others, really off base. When she and I went to a concert the other night, he kept giving weird cautions about people at concerts and what people are like at concerts. Of course nothing what he said turned out to be true whatsoever.
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All this sounds like his bipolar medications are not working. He needs to go back to the psychiatrist ASAP to get his medications set up properly. His mood is absolutely not stabilised properly.
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I just now saw the checking account is overdrawn, and we don’t have much in savings. I came out to the computer to get a better look because I was very surprised it was overdrawn. I said our account is overdrawn! And he was like oh big deal, that’s how money works, money comes and money goes. I was like oh really? Im working hard for it thank you very much. And he asked to me repeat that a few times like he couldn’t hear me. And he said that I’ve only been working for four years. I said it’s not about that it’s that we have to manage our money and watch how much is in the account. He’s like well good thing you looked all you have to do is transfer money from savings. (I didn’t want to touch savings and there is no reason we should have had to. I just cashed out 65 vacation hours I didn’t use last year so we even had extra. I swear I spent like $190 of that on extras, and half of that was for a medical device I need, the other half the concert). He says don’t let it ruin your night, don’t catastrophize money. I said I’m not, I’m just speaking about money realistically. He says he was free to spend money basically because he starts working on Monday. I said yeah you haven’t started yet.
I’m so tired of sharing a bank account with him.
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He again sounds like his mood is going too high. Get that medication fixed up.
Can you setup your own bank account and transfer all your money into it?
I would do this ASAP.
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I see him having a great time doing his own thing it seems, and mostly all or all of our interactions are poor.
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Well, mania can feel great to the person with bipolar. But he needs to get it under control.
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Our child wants me to divorce him. She told me that a few days ago, and she reiterated it tonight. She said he is emotionally and verbally abusive to me. And that she feels like downstairs is a minefield around him. :-( she said she feels like she can’t tolerate these conditions any longer. She feels guilty about it in a way because it’s her dad, but her counselor told her she has no reason to feel guilty.
I made it clear to my daughter that I want to provide her a safe home that she can thrive in. Also that if we separate or divorce it’s not because she’s said this because that is not something that needs to be on her. But that allowing her a life to be a teen doing regular teen stuff is what I want her to have. She started crying a bit, I think because she probably hasn’t felt normal at all for what all has been happening.
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Can someone help counsel you for the next steps for changing this situation? Sounds like it is very hard to deal with all this alone, a very big burden.
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He wouldn’t see it coming.
I have a hard time knowing that my husband has an illness, and that contributes to his behavior, but at the same time, he doesn’t not seem to care how it effects me. He tells me this again and again. He just wants me to accept anything.
At this point, only he is benefiting from staying together. He has most everything he wants and he says he has no complaints about the relationship.
I am trying to digest all this.
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That's a red flag, I agree with the posts that said you lost yourself in this relationship.
I wish you much luck with getting out of this terrible situation.