All of you above, please accept my thanks. A lot of my problem is the relentless aloneness I'm experiencing. If I just wasn't by myself in this apartment all the time. This now is more a problem of depression, rather than grief. The grief comes and goes just as you say above. But it is this isolation that is breaking me down. While he was alive, I was never alone. He was too sick to leave the house.

I live in the American Southwest. I don't think my area has had 10 flakes of snow yet. Daytime, it's like early spring outside. So weather isn't keeping me at home. Depression is. I don't even go out to check my mailbox. I haven't even brought my trash barrel in from the street, which I should have done two days ago. I stay here clutching my smart phone and cruising the Net because it's like having someone keeping me company. I went to the animal shelter to look at dogs. (I decided to not make that decision while I'm tbis emotional.)

A lot of this is due to COVID. All the things I thought I'ld be doing after my love was gone are not available . . . or they're unsafe. I'm not young, and I've had pneumonia twice in the past. So I'm scared of COVID . . . even though I've had 3 shots and bought some N95 masks.

All my relatives are thousands of miles away. They've been kind and keep in touch. But I'm just alone too much. I know I make a bunch of excuses. I could, at least, go out for a walk. Instead, I don't even get dressed.

Tomorrow my landlady is coming by with a new lease. My place isn't even presentable. I have to tidy up. I keep saying: Yeah, I'll do that in a little while. I don't put decent meals together, but just snack on anything easy.

Right up to New Year's I was doing great. My place looked beautiful for Christmas and I was making good meals. Jan 19, I just came unglued, and have been worse each day since. I feel like nothing good is ever going to happen again in my life.

I know that's defeatest thinking that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like I have no will-power to make myself do what I should do.

But I thank you for listening. That means a lot. I have so much to be thankful for. My health is good. I am subject to recurring episodes of depression. They come. They go. This one, however, is a doozy. And I break down weeping every day several times, which I hadn't done much for months, until this tailspin came on.

Well . . . I'll take my antidepressant and heat up some soup. I really thought today would be better. I'll have to force myself to do some basic things. I'll feel better if I do. I know that.