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Originally Posted by Cardooney
Thank you, this helps. I struggle identifying that line. He does have abusive traits, no doubt. He also has irritability, thinking errors, can be extremely stubborn, dominating, impulsive, addictive, obsessive, self destructive, moody. he has a very hard time managing life. He is at a kids level in ways. He can be these ways one minute, and then laughing and carrying on the next minute. reactive. I know he can’t control all that and if he ever sees it, it’s way after the fact. He can make a poor decision with consequences and still find a way to romance it.
I’m trying to fix my thinking. I have to understand things because I’m so conflicted. I can and will take action, but..my reasoning and feelings are the fence.
I’m his mother, but can’t tell him what to do. He’s soft with his mom though.
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You are not his mother, and should never be his mother. That is not a healthy relationship dynamic, nor is it fair to you. Yes, he certainly can control his disrespect towards you. And he certainly can control many of his behaviors. Moodiness and irritability, perhaps not so much, but that can be managed through medications and behavioral therapy.
Yes, I agree with you that your thinking needs to be corrected. You falsely believe that you must take care of him - you don't. And you falsely believe that his behavior is uncontrollable. It's not. You falsely believe that you somehow don't deserve any better, because it's familiar and you grew up in a very similar environment. It doesn't have to be so tumultuous, heartbreaking, upsetting, unsettling, negative, drama-filled, up and down, a roller coaster ride, like sitting on pins and needles, or any of the rest of the poisonous feelings that come from being in an unhealthy relationship. It doesn't have to be this way at all - and after a while, there comes a point where you have to realize that you are choosing this unhealthy environment for yourself and for your child. You have to realize that you are doing both of you a great disservice - you are harming yourself. Once you fully realize this, you will be more ready to pull that switch, make the decision, and make a choice for a far healthier life.