hi eejya, my emptiness manifests itself when i have to interact face to face with others. with some people, i have no idea what expression i should have on my face and i know they can feel my dilemma. i am convinced this issue is from not getting enough positive mirroring from the person who cared for me when i was young. (my parents worked) my sister told me that person was vile and manipulative and was mean even to her own son. i don't have any negative memories of her though, actually i don't have any memories of interacting with her at all.

like you, i have tried speaking positively to myself too. to try to give myself what i did not get.

i agree with you that understanding why your mother was the way she was does not mean you have to forgive her. i was just hoping it could lead to some peace for you. how she treated you is not a reflection of your worth.

as for animals, i understand what you mean about them bringing out your true self. they make me so happy too and i am totally at ease with them.

i feel there must be a way to fix things. besides the self-soothing, there is therapy of course but finding the right therapist can be a challenge. don't laugh but i have started watching toddler teaching videos. the teacher is very positive and warm. am hoping my neglected inner child will respond to her. it's worth a try. in japan, one can even rent pretend family members. some people do that to try to fix the past. it's an unusual concept but i will keep an open mind.

anyways, i really hope you will find a way to heal. don't give up