Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses.

To Poshgirl--yep, my brother is also very easily influenced by his wife. He would deny it, but it's what I've observed and definitely doesn't help the situation.

What we have in common is very superficial. Or else it's our shared childhood, but he doesn't seem to put a lot of value on this. That might change later, but that's where I get resentful, that I would like some level of closeness now but our relationship always has to follow what he wants and when he wants it. (I have to think this statement over...I want now, he wants later...why does it have to follow what I want in that case and not what he wants...?) Anyway, to answer your question, no I don't think I like him very much. I don't think he's a terrible person, but he's definitely very selfish and we are extremely different in terms of our politics and worldview.

Rive--your advice to be direct is great. I hate confrontation and always end up playing games instead. I could try to be direct, but I don't know what to say! I'm not sure what's realistic in terms of my brother and myself. I could definitely confront him on being distracted when we talk. I can't say much in terms of our zooms because he'll just criticize me back for being quiet and uninvolved. His lack of interest in my life bothers me, but to say it out loud, it just sounds narcissistic. I can't say that either. Something that really bothers me is the thought that he and his wife have their own grievances against me--that I haven't been interested enough in their kids, that I don't visit enough, that I never talk during the zooms, etc. Anyway, when I think about being direct with him, I'm really at a loss about what I want, beyond just venting my anger.

Thank you again everyone. This has been helpful. I'm going to think more about what I could say to him that would be constructive.