My daughter is my #1. Divorce had been the last thing she wanted before, but she is feeling differently now. It’s confusing because she and him were out there jamming out and dancing to a song, and now watching a show together. He laughs uproariously. She gets him to take her to the store for what she wants pretty much anytime she wants and they went this morning while I was still asleep. I guess she is acting in a way. Like the other night she was chatting at him cheerfully across the room, and then turns to me close by and asked “we’d get to keep the dogs right?”

It feels like we’ve been separated a long time already, but still in the same place otherwise.

We have counseling tomorrow. I feel like he is trying to be nicer today because of that.

I completely exhausted myself last night, unable to sleep, turning things over in my head. I was thinking about the many times and ways he disrespects me. All it takes is his smile in my direction and it’s like I just move on. Like I’m conditioned.

He’s posting several embarrassing videos of him getting high on social media . That’s why I don’t look at what he does on there usually, because I cringe and if he knows i don’t care for his videos he gets defensive.

I thought a lot about how my dads life affected mine. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better for me after my parents divorced. I worry a bit about what it would be like if she’s at his place in the future, but I guess I shouldn’t worry about that at this point. It’s weighed on my mind a lot in the past when considering separation though.

I don’t understand how I feel. It used to feel scary thinking about separation; now it’s more like I can’t believe it would be happening.