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Originally Posted by Cardooney
My daughter is my #1. Divorce had been the last thing she wanted before, but she is feeling differently now. It’s confusing because she and him were out there jamming out and dancing to a song, and now watching a show together. He laughs uproariously. She gets him to take her to the store for what she wants pretty much anytime she wants and they went this morning while I was still asleep. I guess she is acting in a way. Like the other night she was chatting at him cheerfully across the room, and then turns to me close by and asked “we’d get to keep the dogs right?”
(...)
I completely exhausted myself last night, unable to sleep, turning things over in my head. I was thinking about the many times and ways he disrespects me. All it takes is his smile in my direction and it’s like I just move on. Like I’m conditioned.
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Hmm OK so it's a lot more like, just drama than what it sounded like before. That's what it seems from my outsider perspective.
Please ignore the drama and focus on yourself for a nice while!
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I thought a lot about how my dads life affected mine. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better for me after my parents divorced. I worry a bit about what it would be like if she’s at his place in the future, but I guess I shouldn’t worry about that at this point. It’s weighed on my mind a lot in the past when considering separation though.
I don’t understand how I feel. It used to feel scary thinking about separation; now it’s more like I can’t believe it would be happening.
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Sounds like you are slowly getting used to the thought of separation. That's totally OK.
(From earlier posts I've read)
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Originally Posted by Cardooney
He says a light has come on for him I think because of dbt stuff he learned inpatient, and I guess his overall experience inpatient, although it’s not his first time there.
I have asked him a few things already that I’d like him to do for him and us, and he’s done them so far. He seems to be listening to my input and using his new found skills. I don’t think it will stick without iOp and continued counseling.
I can’t stick up for the past—other than I did my best in the relationship. He hasn’t done his best for sure, but says he wants to going forward.
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I mean. Psychology alone will not fix this situation.
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Originally Posted by Cardooney
It is hard to manage. I need something yes. I don’t know how we would separate exactly because we don’t have money to support two households until things improve (hopefully they will)
I don’t want to abandon him but it’s so hard to tolerate his behavior that he has such difficultly controlling, I just want to get along, but I feel like the only way to do that is to pretend. Hopefully tomorrow will be better
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As for the bolded. It's OK to drop compassion for a while. No one feels compassion constantly. It's OK to drop that. And he's not simply "having such difficulty controlling behaviour". He just doesn't want to, because it would be inhumane effort, and you shouldn't subject yourself to inhumane efforts like this either, it's only burning you out.
And I will quote this separately as it's very important. This is a Catch-22:
"I don’t know how we would separate exactly because we don’t have money to support two households until things improve (hopefully they will)"
They will not improve. Hence Catch-22 in this reasoning.
He can support himself on his new job, or he can go on disability or something, don't worry about his financial situation. He will get himself together or will find professional help if he's forced to. He's not going to die without you.
So there'll be enough money to do two households alright. It won't be your responsibility how he will earn a living for himself. You do have the right to separate or even divorce if things do not work for YOU.
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I think this was my last post here because I don't want to be overdoing giving advice, just pick up from it whatever resonates with you and I just wish you the best luck!