Hi East17. I'm sorry that years of being afflicted so bad have got you into this low of a hole. I don't know your particular circumstances, but I know some things in general that often apply to persons who get down really far.

I've known someone who put a tremendous amout of effort into laying the foundation for living successfully. She got knocked down really hard over and over. Yet she'ld get back up and tackle another hard goal, only to have something bad happen. She genuinely had some really bad luck. When someone has applied themselves and keeps ending up with little to show for it, such a person can lose faith that their efforts make any difference. Everyone needs to get a "win" once in a while. In some ways she's given up. But she remains good natured and kind. I give her credit that her soul didn't get completely destroyed. But now she is limited in how tough a challenge she can even try to tackle. She just got made a sucker of too many times.

That story may or may not have anything to do with your own plight. There's a limit to how much discouragement anyond can withstand before you start to lose your resilience. I'm sorry you're so very demoralized. I hope you can find a path up from where you are at. I'm sure it took a lot to get you to where you are at. Sometimes you need to give up for a while. I've been that low in the past . . . where, for awhile, I just stopped even trying. I hope you have some support going through this dark place.