I guess a lot of you may know that my long term therapist of 5 years (K) suddenly stopped working last year, and that I am struggling to find someone to continue working with. Before I found that lady I had seen someone (J) for 6 months who ideally I would have continued with, but she worked for a charity and couldn't see me long term sadly. She was very good to me and kept seeing me until I had found the right person, which took several months. She has always said that she cares deeply for me, and up until now I always believed her.

When my long term therapist left, I reached out to her again after all those years, and she saw me for two sessions, but only while we both thought that K would return to work. When it transpired that she wouldn't, J said that she couldn't commit to working with me, but that she wanted to help me, and asked if I would let her find a good T for me. I said that I would appreciate her help, but I also kept looking, and trialling. J even used the words 'therapy guardian' when we were talking during one of the sessions she saw me for, which I took to mean that she would always be there in some way, almost like a Godparent would be, I guess. Interested in what was happening and there to lend a supportive ear when things were really bad.

While I was waiting for her to find someone who might be a good fit for me, I found a lady who was helping me to come to terms with what had happened with K leaving. Someone who was helping me to find a path forwards. Someone who was helping me to manage the overwhelming grief that I was feeling. But it never felt like this was going to be the right person to continue with long term, and I was clear about that from the outset.

And then J let me know that she had found a potential new T for me, which made me feel very hopeful. I saw this lady for about 6 weeks in total. We had an incredibly poor first meeting, but things did seem to slowly improve. Sadly the space she was working in was not very private, and she could see I was struggling with that. She was also a very busy and a very boundaried (by her own admission) therapist which was a complete role reversal from my long term T, and this was hard for me to adjust to. The final nail in the coffin was when she told me that the venue that we were currently in was at risk of closing down and she wasn't sure what was going to happen to our sessions. We discussed the possibility of me going back to see the temporary lady I was seeing, as a kind of transition over Christmas and the New Year and we mutually agreed that this would be the best thing for me, while she searched for a new place to work from.

On our last session I asked her to promise that she would keep looking for somewhere suitable and she said that she promised. I told her that I would be back in touch in the New Year.

So, I have been seeing this temporary T for a few more months now and realising that I am in a better place with the grief and the confusion with K leaving. Feeling like it may be time to start the work properly again now, and so I reached out to the Potential New T as I said I would. She replied to say that she had found a new venue, but that it was a fair distance away, and that she now had no availability until after Easter at the earliest. She said that this may not work for me.

Wow. I was shocked to be honest. We had left things we me (probably foolishly) thinking that she would be in a position to see me as I thought we had agreed. I mean, I get that the location maybe couldn't be helped, but I was surprised she was now saying that she was full.

I wrote back thanking her for her email and asking if she was aware of anyone nearer to me that might have availability. I explained that I may be back in touch in the future if things still didn't work out for me with this temporary lady, or if I could t find anyone else. But she never replied this, which looking back on now I think is really bad.

So I reached out to J again, and told her that I was really tired of feeling like I was just hitting dead ends at every turn. I told her I wasn't sure what I was looking for by emailing but that I was just tired and contemplating giving up on it all.

That was it, just a few lines of text.

She replied saying she was sorry to hear that, but that she couldn't help anymore. She said she had known I wasn't seeing the lady she had found, but believed I was working with someone. She suggested that I look again at the directories online to see if I could find someone to work with and that was that basically.

So I replied with a little more detail, explaining that I wasn't looking for her help so much as some understanding and compassion. I explained how things had been left with the potential new T and I, and why I didn't feel that the lady I was seeing was right long term. I explained that I had now contacted in the region of 50 therapists but was finding that very few had availability, and that of those that did, most were not really trauma therapists or able to provide anything other than traditional talk therapy, something that doesn't really suit me. I like to write and draw and build and be able to move and demonstrate things. Again, I thanked her for her email and kept everything polite and reasonable, I felt.

She didn't reply either.

I'm actually really gobsmacked that neither of these people replied to me, especially given what they had both led me to believe. Did I expect too much??

Sorry for the long story, but I just need a little input I think. Maybe I did expect too much? Maybe I was spoilt by my long term T. Or maybe I have just been let down again by people who take your mental health in their hands but who will drop you like a rock when they aren't benefitting financially from you.

I'm confused, as you might be able to tell!!