PennKidd, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through another period of hard times.

I'm speaking from a place of my personal beliefs system so just take this information as that and use what you can without causing yourself any extra stress, ok?

First, I am of the mind that some mental illness is lifelong, chronic, degenerative, and will NOT go away on its own. I believe in physiological constructs to mental illness that are far more complicated than simple chemical imbalance. I believe that some people's brains are just totally and completely miswired.

We have unfortunate babies who are sometimes born with all sorts of disorders that are visibly apparent... spina bifida where the spine/sometimes intestines are outside of the body... disorders where internal organs never develop... some people are even born without recognizable faces...

if all of those mutations can occur, then brain wiring mutations can certainly occur...

as for how best to treat those wiring issues... i think that combination therapy is the best approach...

first of all, from my experience with individuals with psychotic disorders, something called psychosocial rehabilitation is shown to be extremely effective... in common terms... that just means leaving your house and being around people... trying to involve yourself int he community...

i know it probably feels like one more pebble of stress on your tower will make it all come crashing to the ground... but you might feel better if you looked at it as equally likely that venturing out of the house might help you start to feel better...

as for the medication, i believe that in the case of severe and persistent mental illness... it does save lives... it allows people with serious mental illness to function...

why all of the negative stories about its effects? well, it is overprescribed and undermanaged by less than competent physicians who don't understand the science and play trial and error games with people's brains (i'm sleepy, so i'm not holding back w/my opinions tonight)

in people who truly need the adjustment to their body... medications can make them totally different people.... just as anti inflammatory drugs help people with autoimmune disease... just as antihistimines help people with allergies... medications can help restore balance... IF the need is present...

conversely, if the need is not present, the meds can mess people up and end up with far more side effects than no meds at all... and even in those people who do need medications, it can cause serious side effects...

no one can make that decision for you (even if you were admitted to a hospital tomorrow, no one can force meds unless you are an immediate threat to yourself or someone else)...

my suggestion on how to decide is to make some lists so you have tangible evidence of stuff... write down your mental health history for the last two years... put each incident on a different line...

next to it... write what helped you get out of it...

in a separate list... what down all the things you wish you could do right now that you can't do... then next to those, write down whether taking a chance with medicine is worth being able to complete that activity...

in the end... check it out, and make your decision...

for the record, i do also believe that SERIOUS mental illness ebbs and flows... so even if it seems gone, it could just be in remission (like arthritis or asthma)... soemtimes you don't have to do anything to make it come and go... it's something where the symptoms can be tempered... (healthy lifestyle choices, socialization, diet, etc) but maybe not anything that will ever be totally erased from the picture...

of course, i can't say if any of the above applies to you, but it's worth sharing... maybe someone else could benefit from it if none works for you...

in any case, i hope you feel better soon... depression is no fun... and in my opinion, anxiety is way worse than depression... at least when i'm depressed i can sleep