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Originally Posted by susannahsays
I relate. I am in the midst of a severe depressive episode and am also struggling to tidy my living environment. I think a lot of people have trouble managing their homes. I usually hang around on the psychotherapy board and we've had some good discussions on the "couch" thread about this. I've been doing a little better lately, though still far from where I want to be.
I understand feeling discouraged when what you manage to do doesn't align with your expectations. I talked to my psychiatrist recently about how whenever I told myself I'd do some task, a little voice in my mind immediately responds "No you won't. You know you won't. Stop pretending." She said I've lost trust in myself and that's so true!
Part of the problem is that even when I think I've broken down a task into small parts, it still feels completely overwhelming. I'm learning that I have to disregard what I think is a reasonable expectation and amount of work. I have to consciously make goals that are so limited in scope that it feels ridiculous. I don't make longer term goals at this time. I just take it day by day.
Maybe you could make a goal to put x number of the Christmas items away on a day by day basis. It sounds like the little you were doing everyday is too much right now. Go smaller.. Even if you just do one item per day, that is still forward progress. Each time I manage to achieve a goal, however small, I show myself it is possible and restore a bit more trust in myself. I'm not going to say I've had an easy time, but it's helped allowing myself to make goals that before I would have judged to be too trivial.
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Thanks, Susannah, you truly do get it. I'm sorry you're going through this also. It means a lot to hear from someone who seems like you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Right now, I can't even face anything. But I will try your suggestion. Before this episode, I would tell myself to do at least one thing everyday. It would be like cleaning a room or going out to run one errand or just shower and shampoo. Now those things seem too big. So I think maybe I can try thinking on an even smaller scale - like a micro goal.
The worst thing used to be that I would lose respect for myself for doing nothing. At least that motivated me. This morning I feel like I don't care. Nothing stays the same, though, even one's state of mind.
Part of my problem is I'm demoralized by how long COVID is lasting. I'm so afraid of it. I watched the man I loved die of lung disease in 2020. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm terrified of suffering.
I would really like to get a haircut, but I'm afraid to go to my salon. I am afraid to go to the laundomat, which I normally don't mind doing. Getting out of the house for those kind of errands always worked like an antidepressant for me. Lots of things I could be doing in the house, but I'm so down from being in this place for days without leaving. Now I'm getting choked up thinking how caged up I feel. I tell myself to go for a walk, but that's too lonely. I want to interact with another human.
I can't stay isolated like this. I have to tolerate taking some risk of exposure.
Right now I'm going back to bed, which is wrong. I will keep thinking of whst you said. I will re-read your post later. Thank you for encouraging me.