Hi Folks.
In addition to my insecurities about termination (to happen sometime in 2023), since I've retired, it's up to me to make all the business/financial phone calls (My wife made them when she had the summer off, but now she's back to work and can't make outgoing phone calls from her place of employment. My wife is not afraid of making these calls. She just doesn't like to.). This always gives me great anxiety for a variety of reasons, the most painful and scary being that I am afraid I will be judged, labelled "stupid," or laughed at. Logically I know I shouldn't, but I have a strong tendency to put things off until the last minute, and sometimes past the last minute. This has gotten me into financial difficulties on more than one occasion. You would have thought I'd know what to do by now and just DO IT. I'm 62, and I'm still afraid of being judged. Of course, it is not the actual person on the other end of the phone who is doing the judging, but my long-dead, abusive, and neglectful mother. Many times, I am unable to turn off my mother's voice in my head. What's going to happen after I terminate with T? My anxiety just ramped up 100 more notches!

In addition, I'm ill. I managed to snag a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning, that is IF I can start my car. It's been well below freezing here for many days.

I hold 3 Master's degrees, have published a book, and have been published in many print and online journals and anthologies. Yet I still get so anxious when I have to make these calls. I'm not stupid. I am intelligent. But the thought of making these calls makes me feel stupid. I keep thinking I'm getting over feeling this way, but I'm really afraid this is going to be with me for the rest of my life.

My T can't make these calls for me. My wife can't during the day. My dead mother, after I'd begged her to, made some of the calls, but always added how stupid she thought I was for not being able to make them myself. My mother died in 2003; WHY WON'T SHE JUST SHUT UP, ALREADY?

She's in the grave next to my father, and I still haven't had her engraving done. Firstly, it's expensive. Secondly, I don't care anymore. But I still feel guilty for not having it done. I stopped going to the cemetery to "visit" them a long time ago, and have no plans to go back anytime soon.

Please send any kind of support that you can. I think I might have to take a sedative and then I won't be able to do anything.

--Cool