I had therapy yesterday. I’ve seen my T for 1,5 years and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. I don’t think any of us was prepared for it. She wasn’t prepared to see someone like me and I was not aware of how much my past, my childhood, still affected me.

I know I have maternal transference for her. I wish my mom was like her. I’m jealous of her kids. She knows how I feel, how it sometimes hurts so much inside me knowing that I won’t be able to fully heal the wound inside me. I feel empty. Like something’s missing inside me.

Yesterday we discussed something that I’ve been thinking about. Sometimes I email her inbetween sessions. She sometimes reply to my emails with ”I’m here for you”. I always find it hard to understand what she mean by that. Does she mean like she thinks about me and that I’m with her in that way? Or does she mean, you can email me and I will answer? I don’t know. Yesterday I asked. It didn’t go as I hoped.

She told me that she cares for me very much, that she really want to help me and that she’s been trying hard to do so. That I will always be in her heart. We both know that I will be seeing a new T soon since I’ve recently been diagnosed with bpd and she’s not equiped to work with me, she doesn’t have the knowledge. But after that she said something that hurt me so much. She said that she sometimes has to protect herself and her family. That sometimes when she’s going to watch a movie with her kids, she sees an email from me and find it hard not to read it. I haven’t MADE her read anything. I never send her anything during her holiday. I know that she has a life, I just don’t like to be reminded of it…

When she said that, about protecting herself and her family, about when she’s doing something with her kids, I felt a sharp pain inside my chest. It hurt so much. We spoke on the phone and didn’t have time to talk much after that. I shut down and didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say anything. I feel so much shame for being to much for her. That she has to PROTECT her family. Of course I understand that she’s not available 24/7 and she also said ”if you want to email me, you should, and I will tell you if it is a problem for me”. But you just did?

I don’t know what to say to her when I see her next time. I can’t act like nothing’s wrong. But I can’t really tell her, or I don’t know if I can. I’m too embarrassed. This is coming from a very young part of me, not the adult me… and the little young part of me is hurting sooo much. I can’t understand that she would say that to me knowing what she knows about my childhood wound, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Sometimes I do. I will NOT email her anyway, not ever again.

Any thoughts?