Today was a wonderful day because the two troublemaking, drama-loving girls were not there. It was the OG crew plus another who has slid in quite nicely.

My only trouble is that my stomach pain has been increasing. Pain in stomach that radiates to my back. I realize this sounds like a gallbladder attack, but I’ve gotten an ultrasound three times and they can’t find anything wrong. I even had one at the ER once and the PA was absolutely convinced it was my gallbladder until the ultrasound didn’t show any stones. I don’t want to go to the ER because of Covid and because again, they haven’t found anything every other time. So I would pay however much just to be told to go to a gastroenterologist. I looked up when it is considered an emergency and all I have is the pain, which is uncomfortable but only moderate. The only problem is that the gastroenterologist usually books 2-3 months out. And I refuse to see the main guy based on how he treated me the first time. Basically said I was too fat and dx’ed me with GERD even though I had no symptoms indicating that.

I have been gaining weight and I hate it. I thought it was vraylar making me extra hungry but I’ve been off it for three weeks, which is generally the half-life. I don’t know. I haven’t been straight up bingeing anymore but still, I’m not eating as well as I could. But much better than When the stomach pain first appeared 5 years ago. Then I was binge eating and binge drinking every weekend. Eating crappy high fat, high sugar food. I don’t do that anymore. I hardly ever have fried food. I air fry everything. I don’t binge on sugar because it makes me sick.

I know I need to exercise but I feel so awkward doing it when RS is home, which I know is dumb but I guess I feel like I’m doing something just for me and it makes me feel guilty. I have a very hard time just relaxing when he’s home because I feel like I should be doing something useful. He NEVER intentionally makes me feel like that, it’s all nonsense from the baggage I carry in my head. Maybe tomorrow I’ll just do it anyway. Fight my dumb brain.

I guess tomorrow I’ll call both drs i should see. It’s hard because they are only open during the time I work and there’s nowhere private for me to make calls except my car, which I haven’t been wanting to walk out to because of the cold. Tomorrow it will be warm-ish, at least for a bit, but it will be pouring. I guess I have to just stop being deterred by weather and do it on my break.