I think I might have hypomanic episodes, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I have not been diagnosed with BPD, however, from my psychiatric history it might have been overlooked.

1) I was diagnosed with depression and OCD as a kid. In a report from an interview when I was 14, there are notes that said I was reporting an elevated and productive mood, despite being admitted for depression by my mother. I apparently told the interviewer that “this day I’m feeling in a high mood” and that I cycled between highs and lows regularly. I didn’t know what bipolar was when I said this.
2) I was put on paxil and wellebutrin, and about 6 months later I became psychotic and so antidepressants were discontinued.

At that point, my mother no longer took me to psychiatrists, and so there was no further evaluation. I recovered from depression on my own and grew up to be stable and well adjusted (ish).

Despite how far I’ve come, I do struggle with mood symptoms that seem to come out of nowhere. For instance, suddenly not needing much food or sleep for several days, hyperfocusing, and feeling really energetic and sociable. I’ll overestimate what I can do or drive my body to its limit.

I’m in this state right now. I’ve had no coffee and yet I’m totally wired and unable to sleep. I have work soon. Earlier this morning I was fantasizing about how I could write this fantastic novel and was obsessing over it, and now I realize the idea is total garbage. I’m trying very hard to appear “normal” to others and not give in to impulses while inside I feel like I’m losing control over my behavior. I said some things I regret today.

It’s been a good 3 months since the last time this happened, and I thought maybe it was just dietary problems or my menstrual cycle. I thought I “fixed” it.

I tried to talk to a primary care about this, but they didn’t seem to understand my question about whether or not this was normal. I’m embarassed and not sure how to ask, even who to ask. Hence coming here in the middle of the night, bothering the nice folks here. So then maybe I can go to sleep having “done something about it”, haha.

Even if it is hypomania, what would I even do about that?