Hi All,
Also a new member. Am heading into my 3rd month of leaving my partner of 19 years. December was an absolutely miserable month. I had packed all my things and had to do all the moving myself. My beloved cat of 18 years died 3 weeks after I left. The whole month of December was just a swirl of trauma and complete exhaustion. January slowly started to recalibrate and get familiar with my surroundings. Now moving into February and the shock is starting to sink in. I am alone.
AM finding evenings so difficult. Even though my partner and I never really did anything together, we did watch TV in the evenings. I miss just not having another body in the room, or to laugh out loud to something funny, or cry or comment or anything. It is just silence.
Have pulled away from friends, because they are not therapists and really don't want to hear the details of my dysfunctional life. Am feeling like an emotional basket-case, fragile, lonely, sad, sandwiched between moments of pure bliss and euphoria. I DID it!
I kept a journal for all those years. In a real twist of honesty, I knew from about day 7 that things were a bit rocky. Due to circumstances and living arrangements, I found that it became more and more impossible to just leave. He was also classic narcissist, and had me feeling completely incompetent and disabled right from the beginning. He totally screwed with my mind.
It took many, many years. Constantly journaling, constantly re-evaluating, constantly planning. After one particularly bad fight last summer, I told my hairdresser and only confidant...and she gave me the best piece of advice ever.
I asked 'why am I still with him?' I knew he was not right for me, I knew he didn't treat me well, I knew everyone else saw how mean he was. I was so ashamed of still being with him. She told me, 'you'll leave when you've learned everything you're meant to learn'. 'You must still be learning something about yourself, and you will know when the time is right'.
One week after that, I sat down with my partner at the beginning of September and told him I was leaving. I said I found an apartment and would be moving out December 1st. I told him we had 3 options: we could have an amicable separation and do it ourselves, we could hire a mediator to help, or we could go to court and have a battle.
He chose the 1st option.
I said I'm going to continue with all the same routines and chores as usual. Cooking every meal, cleaning, shopping, laundry, gardening. I wanted everything to be smooth and non-confrontational. I spent the months packing and cleaning. December 1st I moved out.
By that time, it had taken a HUGE toll on me emotionally. But I left with my dignity in tact, and saved the breakdown for after I left.
It has been difficult. He's never asked me why, or where I live now, nothing. I do feel like there is a missing piece of closure. And the sense of loneliness is enormous. It is difficult getting through the evenings.
Just found this site and see that so many others have similar stories, and everyone just needs support.
Thanks to all who find the time to read this. I haven't shared these details with anyone yet.