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eskielover · Feb 05, 2022 at 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Part of the challenge has been how I could have loved someone who could be that dark and cruel. And calculating.

I don’t have that kind of dark in me. I don’t fantasize revenge either, just want the truth exposed.

People who fall into the dark triads fantasize about causing harm and punishment. Not anything I do as a human being.

This is where the "expectations" I talked about come in. Society tells us that "this is the way" a sister or husband SHOULD BE, so that is what we expect & gear our feelings along those lines. Women go into marriage thinking of oh how good it is (expectations). Then when it turns out to be abusive, they are still stuck on their expectation thinking & many times don't see it for what reality actually is. Sometimes they just don't want to let go of the "expectation" thinking it can't possibly be wrong even when reality is hitting them right in the face. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves why we can't let go of the unrealistic expectations & see reality.

I know in my case, I expected a college educated guy to NOT be like my uneducated dad in his thinking & actions. Unfortunately, that was not what I got & maybe the college education made him worse. Then with a mom who said, don't worry, he will grow up & become responsible.....I let the crap slide for way too long before having enough. My unrealistic expectations got me into a marriage my red flags said not to. Sometimes we let things slide also because at the moment they are not effecting us as negatively as they end up doing in the long run & we can look back & see the signs. But I have to be pushed to my limit before I will walk away & like the legal actions just took too long in my case & left me in the situation I am in now. Things are actually much more complex when we are going through it & outsiders tend to minimize it too at times. It is difficult to go back & recreate every "why" that made us think the way we did & even that can drive us crazy if we continue to try. I tend now to just learn from that past, the basics so I don't fall into a trap like that again.

Yes, part of forgiveness is about forgiving ourselves for not seeing the situations soon enough or even for not taking action when our gut feelings said something seemed wrong (in one of my cases, I had no idea what action to take & was forced into reaction mode) life is complex & we need to be more forgiving to ourselves too & not get stuck there either