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Originally Posted by Ascendant78
Generally, I say something or ask something, she takes it in a negative or critical way (when at least 85% of the time, I don't mean it that way), and before I can clarify the intent behind what I said, she is too angry to be receptive.
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It sounds as if she might be worried that there'll be another 15% of the time when you'll turn out to mean it that way after all.
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I just hate walking away and leaving it alone when she took something the wrong way while in my eyes, she is hurt, upset, and/or angry purely over a misunderstanding.
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Could it possibly be a two-way misunderstanding where she doesn't understand where you're coming from because she's too busy reacting to a perceived threat, while you don't understand what she's reacting to because you're too busy proving you aren't really that threat?
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It freaks me out, as I love her in a way I've never loved anyone else before in my 44yrs of life. Every time, I wonder if this is the last time, if I may have lost her permanently, and it breaks my heart.
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To me that suggests you're invested, at least a little, in proving something (to her, to yourself, or both): e.g., that you're safer to be with than she's willing to give you credit for, or that she's determined to blame you for something that isn't your fault.
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After she does calm down (hours, days, or sometimes weeks) and we're able to have a calm conversation about it, then she is receptive to clarification and can understand where the miscommunication happened. The problem is, by that time, the damage is already done.
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What does the "damage" look like? How would you describe it and its impact on you? For instance, are there things you can't say or do post-damage that you could say or do just fine before?
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And even then, she will oftentimes still question my real intentions, like I am possibly lying to her in order to reconcile. I have tried to tell her that makes no sense, as if she can’t deal with my intentions and who I genuinely am, this wouldn’t work. But, she still usually has lingering doubts at that point, doubts that seem to be accumulatingcompiling with every argument.as time goes on.
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I notice that when someone has told me that it
made no sense for me to feel, let's say, suspicious or resentful in a certain situation, I've almost always interpreted it as one or more of the following:
-- I haven't made it clear enough yet how I feel and what I'm concerned about;
-- They're not able to get what I'm trying to tell them and I need to talk to someone else instead; or
-- It actually is appropriate for me to feel that way, but they don't want me to realize that because it would be inconvenient for them.
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She also told me she believes "her feelings" over anyone's words. However, I strongly feel those feelings have been compromised by past traumas and subconscious fears.
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That sounds like something of an impasse. It seems to me that the way out, if there actually is one, would be for her to follow those feelings in all directions -- forward, back, up, down, sideways -- and see where they lead her and where she wants to go from there. The way in deeper, on the other hand, would be for you to convince her that her feelings aren't trustworthy and she should believe you instead.
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A part of what doesn't make sense is how I'm a giver. When with her, I regularly do things for her. Massages, washing her hair for her, asking where she wants to go or do, asking what she wants to watch when we watch TV, cleaning up around the house at times, feeding the cats, brew her coffee in the mornings (I'm almost always up first), make an effort to be a part of her children's lives, and so much more. My actions are in complete contradiction to someone who is critical, looking to hurt her emotionally, etc. But, she seems to dismiss the cognitive dissonance when she is believing I have ill-intent.
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She could always decide that you're just softening her up, putting yourself in a better bargaining position -- something like, "After all I've done for you, how can you still distrust me?" Conceivably, she could be concerned that after all the favors she's accepted from you, if you were to demand something that she wasn't prepared to give you, she'd be on the spot.
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We just recently started talking about figuring out the core issue, as whatever it is, it isn't going away on its own. In my opinion, I feel it is fear based triggers based on past trauma. My reasoning is the recurring pattern from her past traumatic relationship.
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You're apparently looking here at
her fear-based triggers based on
her past trauma. Could you also imagine her wondering what about you might possibly reflect
your fear-based triggers based on
your past trauma?
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Third, she is not like this with anyone else I have seen her interact with. With everyone else, she is very patient, understanding, compassionate, loving, etc. Of course, that just makes it hurt that much more when you feel she treats others far better than you at times. She says it's because no one else hurts her like I do, but I don't know how to get her to understand I NEVER mean to....
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It sounds as if (for whatever reason, or for none) she's been letting you, more than others, get to her. We may never know if she feels safer with others whom she has less of an investment in; or she wants to practice teaching people how not to trigger her and you're the most convenient one to practice with; or she sees you as trying to fix her while she's not sure she wants to be fixed; or you just happen to remind her of someone else she couldn't make it with, and she wants to prove she can make it with you (or else, she shouldn't try to make it with anyone)... or any number of other possibilities.
That you're comparing how she treats you with how she treats others, suggests that it's important to you to be treated in certain ways and not in others. Meanwhile, could she also be comparing how you treat her in certain respects, with how you treat others and/or with how others treat her?
If I happen to come across as the devil's advocate here, it's not because I think your girlfriend is the devil. 
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This may not be directly relevant to anything we're discussing, but it did set me thinking about issues that come up in relationships: I just happened to come across a link to this Buzzfeed article:
Couples Therapists Share Instant Red Flags In Relationships