So mmuch to respond to...

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Etcetera1, thank you. I did address to her last night during a talk that one of the things I personally need from her is for her to gain control of those, as you put it so well, "dysregulated emotions." If she could do that, things would flow so much easier.

Yes, I am familiar with what a trauma bond is. I had one in the past, and it's why I currently do counseling myself. I considered the possibility this could be a trauma bond, but it's more than that.

I know I can't "fix" her. The best I can do is support her and provide her resources. Like I didn't walk her through core issues. I touched on it, gave her some resources for it, and let her choose how she wants to approach it (if at all).

I know she's not ready for a working at this time. That doesn't mean I will end the relationship though. Every couple goes through rough times. Ours is more than the norm, but our love and our happy times also blows anything we experienced prior right out the water. If everyone always gave up on a relationship because things get hard, no one would have lasting, long-term relationships. I KNOW we can fix this. We just need the resources to do so, which we are working towards.

I'm going to look into that book you mentioned. I really appreciate your feedback.

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FooZe, thank you as well. You are right, it is a two way misunderstanding. We have talked in length about it, and I'm going to have to approach certain topics in a much more gentle and cautious manner. Hoping in time, her counselor will bring her issues to surface and help her resolve them. And I in turn am working with mine to help this as well.

As far as the damage from breakups, it's multi-faceted. One of the biggest types of damage is me feeling like I have little to no value to her,
as she is so quick to throw me away. I feel expendable, replaceable (at least I feel she thinks that, I know I'm not), like she doesn't view me as family (as she wouldn't give up on family, but is so quick to do so with me), and more. The biggest problem from the damage now has been that I feel I have hardly any value to her. This in turned has caused my own feelings to change. I don't feel what I did for her anymore. I just keep going because I know we can get that back, it's just going to take time WITHOUT arguments.

I like your suggestion of her following those feelings in all directions. VERY insightful, and I'm going to mention that to her, if she doesn't see this herself (we were open about me posting - no secrets).

I know she lets me get to her more than others. Like she said one day "the people who you love most can hurt you most." I strongly feel a LOT of the assumptions are fear-based. She's so worried (on a subconscious level) of me hurting her that she puts up her defense any time she even thinks there is a possibility I could have ill-intent.

As far as her wondering about triggers from my past, I'm sure that could be contributing to it some. She knows how I dated a compulsive liar who ripped my life to shreds about 7yrs ago. So, she feels I have lingering trust issues, which is correct to an extent. I tend to be neutral when I first meet someone, then they either earn my trust with honesty, or they ruin it with lies. I don't just assume someone is lying, but sometimes I do question if they are being fully honest.

To clarify, I know it's not all her. I mean she has caught me in a few lies in the past, despite how important honesty is to me. There were some times where I was so afraid the truth was going to lead to an argument or breakup, that I was dishonest. She knows every single thing though, and I only recall three incidents off the top of my head.

As far as comparing how I treat others, that is something that I feel works greatly in my favor. I'm all about helping others, and she has said actions speak louder than words. All my actions outside of arguments have always shown good intent, care for others, etc. She knows my actions and what she feels my intention are at times doesn't add up, but that doesn't cause her to discredit entirely. Just doubt, which I at least have that going for me, lol.

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RollercoasterLover, thank you as well. We have done a lot of what you suggested, and we are getting better at actually implementing it during conflict.

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Rive., thank you as well. I kknow very well she will bring this into any relationship. I have tried to tell her tha countless times, but she continues to insist it is us (personality). I am hoping through her counseling, she will eventually realize that's not the case.

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Molinit, I appreciate your feedback. I agree, it shouldn't be this hard. But, after you've been through severe trauma, sometimes there is remaining damage. In our 40s, of course we are both going to have a modest amount of damage.

This relationship is harder than most, sure. But, people who suggest a breakup as a solution because things are hard, usually don't care about serious, long-term relationships. I don't just throw something away because it's broken. I fix it. There is no reason to throw away a relationship because you have things to work on. If everyone did that, there would be no long-term relationships in this world at all.

Let me put it this way... if your child is acting out, and you are having a real difficult time with them, do you just kick them to the curb and abandon them? Of course not! So, why should a relationship (family as well) be treated differently?

In addition, if she were to date anyone else, I would be 100% done with this. That is a boundary that if crossed, I couldn't accept. I deserve better than that.

As far as walking on egghshells, yes, it's nerve-wracking. But, I'm dealing with it under the notion that in time, it will be resolved. I know what topics I can cover currently, and the ones I need to avoid. I'm fine with that for now.

During a breakup we had that lasted a few weeks, we both tried to date others. It didn't work out for either of us. After having the chemistry and all the good with her, every other woman is now a joke. It only made me more depressed, knowing the odds of finding what we have (excluding the conflicts of course), are astronomical.