I've been with my T for over 6 years and over 600 sessions, so lots has happened. The work is pretty intense, and yes, we've had ruptures. We're really good at having ruptures. We've probably had 5 or 6 major ruptures, where I didn't think I could continue, and a dozen or more smaller ruptures where I fantasize about flouncing out and never coming back, but am not seriously considering it. For the major ruptures, we generally both sought consultation. On two occasions, I worked with another therapist in addition to my T (and with his knowledge/recommendation) for about six months each time. The purpose of the auxiliary therapist was to try to lend stability to my primary therapy relationship. ROIs were signed and everything was above board. (He recently told me that it was hard on his ego to have me seeing another therapist, to know that we were talking about him and his work with me was being scrutinized, but that he always encouraged it, because he didn't want to "cut me off" from others like my abusers did and he also doesn't think he's beyond reproach.)

For two of the major ruptures, my trust in him was so damaged that I didn't think we could recover and I started looking for other therapists. The first time, I met with four different therapists and found one I thought I could work with if I couldn't repair things with my T. It helped just knowing who I would go to if things fell apart--that stabilized me enough that I could work through it with my T. For the other, I started seeing another therapist secretly for about four sessions while my T and I were trying to work things out. That time, I really intended to terminate therapy with my T, and just wanted another therapy relationship to help me through the fallout. But the new therapist just...well, he wasn't my T. (I'm sure he's a great therapist, but my T is amazing.)

What kept me in it was the realization that even as things were falling apart and he'd morphed into the bad guy and trust was broken and he'd hurt me, I still found myself recommending him to other people and I would allow my children to see him (not that he would allow it--dual roles--but the point is that I would trust him with my children). This discrepancy between what I "knew" (he's a brilliant therapist and trustworthy) and what I "felt" (he can't be trusted, he's not safe) made me realize that working through it would be in my best interest. Both because I would get to keep a really good therapist, and because this is the work of my therapy (learning to stay in relationship, learning to trust myself to be able to handle getting hurt, working through ruptures, etc).

I will say that I think rupture-repair can be amazingly healing, especially if you've experienced relational trauma. I will also say, I don't think very many therapists are good at it. So many of them are defensive and deflect all blame to the client. Or they cannot tolerate the conflict or vulnerability and they retreat to a power position. Sometimes they get stern and cold and distant. Sometimes they counterattack. My T and I have learned together that I really need him to own his part in it, I probably need him to own more than his part in it initially, and then once I feel seen and heard, once he has accepted responsibility for hurting me, once I feel safe enough in the relationship again, THEN I am finally able to look backwards and see that a lot of the hurt comes from some previous wound that he bumped. And once the more recent hurt is sufficiently healed, we can work on healing that original hurt.