Thank you CANDC and Pinny for those suggestions and kind words. So, June of 2020 is when he officially told me he wanted the divorce. However, he mentioned the previous November that he didn't like how things were going and we'll try to work on it, but in hindsight, his mind was already made up. Instead, I bent over backwards, literally on my knees begging him to stay in our marriage.( Can you say PATHETIC?) We went to counseling, he read books, I read books, we tried to have more date nights, but ultimately it was all too little, too late. He was not happy anymore. Who am I to stop him from being happy? Honestly, other than that moment he has always been a wonderful husband. He is an absolutely, wonderful father!!
We did the divorce without lawyers, were able to work everything out fairly. We both didn't want to be in a nasty battle nor did we want to give a whole bunch of money to lawyers when we felt we could handle it ourselves and use that money for our son - he is the main reason we are able to co-parent so well. Anyway, we officially were divorced in September of 2020. I would say that for the first year all I did was work, come home and sit in the dark and watch movies. And because of co-vid, it was so much easier to do just that. We both have 50% custody of our son. When my son was with me I would try to do things but because of co-vid we mostly stayed home. I did find a great counselor last January (2021) and we would zoom meet 2-3 times a month. Then this past summer I had to have an abdominal surgery which kept me home from work for 6 weeks as my job is very physical. I was back to work for a couple of weeks when on my way to work i was rear ended on the highway by a driver who didn't realize traffic had come to a complete stop and he hit me going 65 mph. Needless to say, my car was totaled and my neck got really jacked up so much so that I had to have cervical neck fusion at two levels. I was off of work again for another 8 weeks. During that time, unfortunately, I had to cancel online therapy because I couldn't afford it, I was only getting 60% of my income so anything extra I had to cut off. Anyway, I feel I really have come more to terms with the fact that my life is completely different than I thought it would be now. I am working out more often, going for walks, listening to live music. For the most part I am not depressed. There are moments when I am, but it definitely doesn't control my world. In addition, I have been meditating and chanting which I think helps as well. Honestly, I thought writing on this forum would help me at least jot down my feelings and maybe even get some advice.
I guess the hardest part is that I only get to see my son now 50% of the time. Mostly I really want to get out of my house and do things now, but it is just those moments of time where my head just won't shut up about my past. In practicing mindfulness, I have read and been told that I should let those feelings of sadness, anger, fear come and I should feel them, but then just let them go. It is hard, but I try. I appreciate being able to share all of this and am grateful to anyone who has taken the time to read my words. Thank you.