3 weeks since I started this thread. I have failed to turn things around. I've had some days, here and there, where I seemed to be getting a grip. I just couldn't keep the motor turned over.

Today was bad. I've been in bed all day reading and watching videos. My apartment's a mess.

A sister of mine sent a very nice gift that arrived yesterday. It's a book and DVD set on a topic she knows interests me. She hopes it will help me pass the time. This was so thoughtful of her. I'm invited to go visit and stay with each of my sisters whenever I like. They mean so well.

I don't have the heart to tell them that I'm becoming a mess. They'ld worry. They'ld want to do something. I will go visit when the pandemic subsides more.

Meanwhile, I'm just so sad. I've stopped trying to make things better. Today I've just broke down repeatedly. Back months ago I had a rule: Do at least one constructive thing per day. I stuck with it pretty good for months. It resulted in me enjoying the holiday season. Then my resolve went down the drain.

So here I am - reaping what I sowed. I started neglecting things. So everything around me is in disorder. Today has been just a downhill slide.

I think of contacting my provider. I don't know for what? There's no psych med change that will avail anything. I've tried all that stuff to death in the past. An increase in my supply of pain meds would help. I'm afraid to even ask for that. I take Vicodin twice daily. Nowadays that's considered generous. It's for what's considered mild to moderate degenerative changes here and there - back, neck, knees, etc. Inactivity is probably what's making them feel even worse.

My experience is that depressive episodes don't last forever. Thinking of that is not helping because this is going on too long. Things are harder now because, on top of my chronically recurring depression, I have the loss of my longtime companion, plus the deprivations imposed by COVID. I feel boxed in, with no way to turn to get out of this darkness.

Well, I'll go see if the TV will keep me company for awhile. If I just accomplished a little housework, I'ld probably feel much better.