I have so much I need to talk about, but I’ve only met you a few times and I don’t trust you. I feel very stuck. My husband has taken to hitting the wall/floor/furniture occasionally when he gets upset. Or, he threatens to end his life. Like recently when I told him I was gonna hangout with my friend who happens to be male. He was fine up til then, and then he starts talking about hurting himself, because he knows I’ll stay home then. Yesterday it was because I told him I want to get a marriage counselor. He yelled at me for bringing it up at the “worst possible time.” It’s always a bad time.

A few months ago when I brought it up, there were multiple times I had to pull a chord from around his neck. And he threatened to do it in front of me if I called 911. Told me it would be my fault and that I killed him. He drove us around in circles for hours saying “if you say this I’ll do it,” or when I tried to say the opposite, that he would do it then. I stepped out of the car to run across the parking lot to a cop car, but he said if I closed the door he’d do it right then. So I got back in the car. Afterwards it’s like he snapped out of something and had almost no memory of what had occurred, so idk what to make of that. Dissociation?

I don’t see a way forward if we can’t get counseling and I can’t even bring up my opinions on important matters without fearing for the worst. If I stay and we don’t get help, I might actually be miserable forever. If I try to leave he’d surely hurt himself. I tell him he can’t threaten me with suicide, but I feel like a hypocrite because I’m suicidal all the time. The difference is I never threaten it or use it in an argument.

He says it’s my issue to work on alone because he’s already worked on his anger, which to be fair, has gotten a lot better. He tells me “put more pressure yourself” to be better, but idk wtf that even means and neither does he. He doesn’t want anyone to know we fight, not even you (I haven’t told you anyway), but I texted 2 friends and had to delete all the evidence because he goes through my phone.

If I told you all this I’m afraid it would make him sound bad, but the reality is he’s actually a good person and just struggling. Most of the time it’s not like this and the arguments are just over stupid things. Sometimes I want to go back to my old t just so I can talk openly about everything—this, trauma, all of it.

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