Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
I am not sure you could or should compare raising a child to adults making a choice to date other adults.
People go into having children with a notion that they’ll be by child’s side, guide and raise them no matter how hard it might be or how the child turns out. People don’t go into dating world with a notion that they’ll date every person they meet even if it’s bad, volatile, confrontational simply etc By this logic you must date and stay in a relationship with every person you meet no matter if it’s good or bad. It doesn’t work this way and doesn’t really make sense. It’s a choice who you date and who you choose to stay with.
It’s quite unsettling that this woman’s children are in the picture. It’s alarming if they witness all this drama and conflict. So not healthy
In addition I am not sure why you say that people who suggest break up don’t care about long term relationship. That’s quite the opposite. I for example am married.
But I’d not marry my husband if when we’ve met he was confrontational and argumentative, and to quote you engaged in “name calling and yelling insults” in the very first year together.
I married him because he is kind and loving and fun and our life together is peaceful. I’ve met some confrontational, conflict and drama obsessed men, (not as extreme as this woman you described). Needless to say I didn’t continue on with them and sure didn’t marry them.
Also precisely because I am thinking about long term here, if after only a a year it’s that bad, will this be sustainable long term?
Relationship is a choice. You make it sound that relationship isn’t a choice but something that falls into your lap and you must put up with it no matter what. Why? You don’t think you have any power to choose in life? You don’t think you deserve better than being in constant drama?
You can choose life of conflict and confrontation or you can choose something else
|
I completely understand where you're coming from on this. I agree with pretty much all of it.
I know it seems ridiculous as to why I'd continue in something so toxic. It's because *if* she could just control her anger, we would be amazing together. We have tons in common, the same core values, conversation flows smoothly, and so much more. I've never had compatibility like that before. So, I kept clinging on to the hope that she would get her anger in check for the sake of the relationship. She tried, but she just can't.
At the start, she acknowledged she had to get her anger in check and acknowledged it was her. Over time, she gradually started blaming me more and more. Not sure if it was intentional manipulation, or if she truly started thinking it was me. Either way, while she admitted it was a problem, she never fixed it. Couldn't.
She just started working with a psychologist finally. Only 2 sessions in though, so I'm thinking it could be months before the psychologist brings her issues to her attention. I can't wait around and be abused in the hope that one day, she will be aware of her part in this and fix it.
Anyway, we broke up again yesterday. I wrote a new post covering the incident, as she has gotten me to a point where I truly question how much I'm to blame here. She has eroded my confidence and self-esteem, meanwhile claims that I do it to her with my questions and statements. All I've ever done is try to lift her up, tell her how amazing she is, show her all the time with being giving and such, and I KNOW I'm a good boyfriend to most women. I know I don't deserve this.
I just saw how sweet and loving she could be, and clung onto the hope she would fix it. But, I can't be with her while she does. So for now, we are done. Maybe after she becomes aware the problem was mostly her and stops blaming me for her triggers and abusive behaviors, maybe one day, we could try again. In the meantime, I'm moving on with my own life