My third to last session with the T that I stopped seeing over a year ago was absolutely awful. At that time, I had looked back over some ruptures that had occurred between me and the T. I had reflected that when we had the ruptures, I had brought them up for discussion at the next session, and had gone away from that next session feeling absolutely awful. Looking back I reflected that it had been really difficult for me to bring things up with my t (I had emotional neglect as a child and as a child learnt to bury emotions and never challenge anything). I realised that I hadn’t really discussed with my T how I’d felt after those next sessions. I decided to bring this up, along with the feelings of intense shame that I had when my T responded to what I brought up by giving a super clever analysis of her understanding of how my current feelings linked to my childhood (I didn’t put it like that to her), but I wanted her not do that, but to give more space for my understanding.

During this third to last session, the T basically challenged everything I said. I cried, to which she said ‘therapy is tough, I’ve been through this too’. She rejected everything I said. After the session, I was numb for about 36 hours. After that I began experiencing unbearable emotions, I also had a physical reaction which I don’t want to write, but which often came up for me in therapy when my trauma feelings were triggered. I think that her challenging me was a direct repeat of what happened to me as a child. It was traumatic for me to bring these things up with my T and have it all rejected. I felt a depth of shame and humiliation that was traumatic and was related to how hard it was to bring these things up and how I had only done so because I thought it would be safe.

I decided that I couldn’t continue seeing her, but I worried that if I stopped immediately that I was going to feel absolutely awful, and that the feelings would stay for me for much longer than if I did a planned ending and transitioned to another T. For this reason I went back for two more (wasted) sessions. I mentioned the physical feelings that had come up, and linked these to trauma, she made a dismissive comment, suggesting that perhaps they were unrelated to the session. I didn’t say anything about the intense feelings that were linked to them as I’d lost all trust in her, and I thought that talking about it with her would make it worse.

It’s only now, over a year later, that I can write about that session. I had to not think about it.

If the T were to read this, I’m sure she wouldn’t recognize herself. I think she has absolutely no idea that this happened. On her profile she states that is experienced with trauma and does safe therapy.

I find it hard to make sense of what happened. I’m doing well now. As I said in a previous post, I’m no longer having therapy, my feelings have all re-buried themselves. I have a job I love and a good life. The therapy is now just a memory., though I still have trouble sleeping.

I hope it will have been therapeutic to write about this here. It’s all bottled up inside me and I doubt I’ll ever tell anyone this story in real life. I hope people reply to this post.