I guess from my length of therapy, maybe?, I've always known about my maternal transference. I didn't call it transference though. I called them my mother-figures. I have always felt sad for little me that I never had a mother who could/would mother me. I always knew there were limits and boundaries with what a mother-figure could give to me. I guess where I struggle is I want permanence. I've had 3 (sort of 4) who will probably stay for however long I need them. I don't need the 4th one anymore...I let go of her long ago.

Is it delusional that I don't think of L as a fantasy? That I really believe I can see the real her: her flaws, imperfections, her quirks, and vulnerabilities, as well as, the positives. I know a lot of her limits as a person and as a therapist. I know a lot about her really. She's never been blank-slate. I don't post on here most of the stuff she shares with me because I feel I need to protect her privacy, but she has shared very private stuff with me. And not because of bad boundaries, but only when such information will help me.

But that's not to say I don't have fantasies. I have a lot of them! Some could be realistic depending on the situation, others will never happen for one reason or another. Like L brought up in Friday's session: let's say I have a fantasy of going grocery shopping with her. I could see that as a possible fantasy. But reality is that not only could it not happen due to therapist/client boundaries, but because of my limits as well. For instance: I would freak out it I was out with her in public for many reasons. Also, I rarely leave the house. It's just not realistic.

So I do have fantasies, but I think I'm actually grounded in reality as well. Maybe some would say otherwise? I'll add this to the list of topics to talk to her about! She'll best know how realistic I'm being!