Im feeling quite sad. Our relationship is very strained at this point. He skipped counseling last week, and I had it by myself. The counselor talked with me for 2 hours. I expressed my frustrations to her. She said to make a list of things that I require to stay in the relationship. I got pretty frustrated that he got his first paycheck and spent almost 20% of it on weed. I gave him a hard time about it, well I pointed it out is all. I had recently told him that we’d need to split bills and have separate banks accounts because he was taking more than fair share of the money. He said I was being mean. I said he needed to get serious about his addiction, face it. He said these things are not my decision to make. I told him that I was at the point of needing to give an ultimatum about things. That he just ignores what I say and that I can’t keep being okay with that. That he just insults me I call out things. He said to tell him in black or white what I require. I told him if he can’t use in moderation then he needs to quit, and he needs to reach out for more help for underlying issues. he said a day later or so that he would spend less on weed, however he just had bought a lot, so easy to say then. He spent some time doing family stuff with me and daughter, which I appreciated. But I realized that I’m still enabling his behavior because he didn’t commit to anything he will do differently, just said he’ll spend less which technically could mean $5 less. He was also ignoring problems saying there is no problem and at the same time complaining about the effects he is feeling from the problem. He questions why I care about these things. I was cooking dinner and he came by looking at me, and I guess he found me to have a facial expression so he said in a mocking voice that I’m “disappointed by him every day,” and then he walked off scoffing and said “gross.” I told him that was lame how he just put words in my mouth and then calls me gross. He started saying what he thinks I’m doing, and I start saying what I think he’s doing. He says how I sure seem to think about him a lot and it’s pathetic. I said now you’re calling me pathetic? I said perhaps it is pathetic how much I think and care about him when he clearly doesn’t think the same about me.
A bit later I told him it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me, and I can’t ignore how he says “gross” and “pathetic “ talking about me and these are deal breakers for a relationship and relationships can’t last under those conditions and talking that way to me is a deal breaker. I told him that I had repeatedly been communicating to him that there is an issue, and that he is basically sticking his fingers in his ears and staying very stubborn. I was very calm and matter of fact. He was watching tv and told me I needed to settle down. I told him I was settled down and he needs to open his ears. He became agitated and he left for awhile. Got pie. Smoked a lot and didn’t talk to me. Made himself a bed on the couch.
I feel like I had to address these things in the way I did, although I feel sad that I basically said I’m done and I feel very uncomfortable that I’ve done something wrong. I made clear that my point was not to hurt him.
Because he doesn’t really listen to me, and he steers things in different directions, I feel like my message gets twisted by him and lost on him. He says I’m unreasonable and that I just have fears about money that cloud me. I don’t take his bait lately.
He does say bad things to me. It’s not made up in my head. He says I make things up and lie. I don’t. He says problems only exist because I talk about them, and if I wasn’t bringing things up to him there would be no problem. He is happy when he is drawing pictures and smoking weed.
I feel like a jerk confronting someone who has issues like he does. He obviously believes he would be less well if he isnt doped up all the time. We were doing a family walk downtown today and before we left he got very blasted smoking to the point he looked intoxicated and sounded intoxicated. And then he was going to be the driver ?? I just walked past him to the driver side. He was so high during the outing that it feels really abnormal. Our kid can see how intoxicated he is, and it’s a shame he can never do anything sober. Our kid says it’s disturbing to her that she’s never seen him sober that she recalls.
I have to be okay with what happens now. I have loved him a long time and still do. I feel like he has been in a very bad spot mentally and emotionally for years. I’ve tried to be there for him, I have been. But he ignores my pleas. He ignores my concerns.