A few days ago, I saw a new profile picture of someone with whom I was very close for decades (since we were both 18). As I've been working on my stuff the last few years, I've had to distance myself, as I came to see that we were in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship, and when I try to raise it with her, she did not respond well.

Anyway, the picture is of a romantic sunset, and I realise that it is likely taken on one of her outings with the new man in her life.

I became aware that there is something in me that is triggered by this. This something is envy. aka My Hater part. And this time, I want to make friends with this undeveloped part, as opposed to pushing it away, denying it, with guilt and shame.


I think its been there, hidden for a while, (especially as my life over the last few years is a struggle, while she is prospering on all fronts) but I couldn't allow myself to see it.

It's eating me up inside. There's this secret, previously repressed rage, bitterness and resentment that she's winning in life, and I'm struggling. And I'm angry with God that He is "blessing her, and depriving me"

I'm begrudging her this happiness, and can admit now that this Hater part of me wishes she loses everything and is humiliated in a public way.

There's this secret delight, glee or pleasure in her possible misfortune.

Of course the adult me can see that this is a reflection of my own unworthiness, which I've come to see is a result of my toxic childhood.

The life she has, is the life I covet.There's also conditioned thinking around if she gets these things that I wish I had, then there won't be enough for me. Again the scarcity program from my childhood.

SEEING HER HAPPY TRIGGERS PAIN, SORROW, LONELINESS, REGRET. unworthiness....VERY uncomfortable emotions that I would prefer to avoid..

How dare she be winning when I'm struggling, is the unspoken aggrieved voice in my head. It's like I had this unconscious expectation that she stay small, so that I could be comfortable, and feel good about myself.

And guess what? This is exactly the experience I had with my mother. This unconscious prescription to not exceed her status in life.

Full circle.

Since so much of this has been hidden, I wanted to bring it to light in this post. for my own sake.