I'm feeling really hopeless. Had a rupture with the therapist last Thursday. She told me I needed to "take responsibility" and try harder to be functional. I found that really offensive because I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can. Every day lately has been a monumental struggle. My goal is primarily to get through it without harming myself in some way and without doing anything to make my life worse. When I feel able, I do the things she thinks I'd be doing daily if I was actually trying hard. And she hadn't even asked if I'd made progress on anything before telling me it wasn't enough.

Anyway, I left the appointment 26 minutes in because being criticized for being depressed and not acting as if I'm fine isn't helpful. She wouldn't call it criticizing, but that's just her being in denial. Telling someone they aren't taking responsibility and they're choosing to be this way is an inherently critical statement.

Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and now I feel kind of ganged up on. She didn't say the same things as the therapist and I didn't find it offensive, but it does leave me feeling completely helpless because the take-away is the same. I have to somehow be ok when I'm not. I say that's the message because I can't do what they ask when feeling the way I do now. Ergo I must somehow make myself ok.

All this makes me feel like there isn't really a point to seeing the therapist and psychiatrist. It's not that I think they are just withholding help from me. I don't think they can help me and they don't think they can help me, either. They've both said as much.

The reason I want to quit is so that at least I won't have to deal with the pressure of their expectations. Expectations that I can't fulfill 90% of the time. It just feels bad because they're asking for things well beyond my capacity. I don't want to subject myself to a situation where I already know I won't succeed. It's not going to help my mental health.

Plus, now psychiatrist is going to talk to therapist. I can't do anything about the narrative they've created, but it only harms me to hear about it.

Unfortunately, I can't just go off my psychotropic meds.

I don't really know what to do. I smiled and agreed with my psychiatrist but in my head I was thinking that it's just completely hopeless and no, there's nothing I can do in therapy that will have any impact on my inability to just be better. Apparently I'm supposed to "take responsibility" which translates to fundamentally altering reality. Instructions on how to perform this magic weren't included.

The therapist said if I think I will eventually kms, I probably will. Does that mean when people commit suicide, it's because they just didn't try hard enough or take responsibility? That seems harsh.

When they say I have to do all these things in order to feel better, all I'm really hearing is I'm not going to feel better. Knowing what I know, there's no other conclusion I can reach. I can't do more than I'm doing and I won't get better if I don't do more. It logically follows that I won't get better.

Anyway, I wish I could just drop them both. I feel helpless and hopeless enough as it is without also feeling criticized for being unable to "take responsibility" or make things better before feeling better. I'm not criticizing them for not helping. I understand they have a limited capacity to change anything. I just wish there was more comprehension that I have a limited capacity as well. And when you push people beyond their capacity, there are always consequences. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Some people take up drinking or drugs. Other people suppress until they can't take it anymore and fall apart, destroying their lives. And of course some people just exit life.

This post isn't an attack on my therapist or psychiatrist, so I'd appreciate responses avoid taking a defensive stance on their behalf. I don't need to be educated about the limits of treatment. I don't need to be told they can't do the work for me. I don't need to hear anything about the therapist never trying harder than the client. I know all that and repeating it just perpetuates the fallacy that unlike them, I can always do more. This post isn't about placing blame somewhere, apart from not placing it all on me for not being superhuman.

I would appreciate responses of commiseration. Encouragement that doesn't insinuate I just need to try harder is also welcome.