Awful, terrible day. So restless and agitated and SH and SI thoughts/images would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. All freaking day. Even Xanax hasn’t helped. I did talk to my therapist but I wasn’t honest like I should have been. As soon as I got home I grabbed the ice pack and my support object and held both while on the computer call with her. I said I’d bring in mini muffins for a birthday party we’re going to have for two of our coworkers but I’m not going to make it to the store. I’ll have to apologize. I’m not sure if I can run out on the way to work tomorrow, it will be cold.

I feel like breaking down and crying. I went to work because I knew it would be worse to sit home by myself and ruminate. At least at work I could be distracted, it was a pain in my *** but it was better than lying on the couch crying all day surrounded by instruments that might lead to poor choices.

Incidentally I also see my pdoc in about an hour. I’m so glad, she needs to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I don’t care what at this point. She’s good at trusting me and not forcing hospitalization. The only time she did was when I was too paranoid to leave my bedroom and was threatening self harm as my only option to ward off whatever was after me. She made the right call on that one.

I’m so desperate, I’m going crazy. I guess I better go grab my ice again.