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Originally Posted by Ascendant78
She said it's definitely more than just past trauma, because the extreme mood swings, uncontrollable rage, and irrational thinking shows something far beyond triggers from her past. There is trauma for sure, but there is also most definitely a personality disorder as well.
Her angry personality consumes both her and my happiness. Even if it got better once she was over her depression, other life difficulties will occasionally happen, and this would happen again. Unless she learns the core issue, acknowledges (and changes) her abusive behaviors, and realizes I'm not the source of the problem, she will just keep having one toxic relationship after another.
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Yeah it's definitely more than just fears from trauma, or depression, IMO. At the minimum she would need to do anger management classes or something like that, if she doesn't want to dig deep.
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Well, I did write her an e-mail where I gave her a list of questions I felt she should ask her psychologist. It was a list of questions that would've helped her psychologist realize the core issues weren't her and I, but how things were being handled. But, I'm pretty sure she was ignoring most of what I was saying/texting back then, so she may have either ignored or dismissed it and might not ask her psych any of them. And the one I emphasized was the most important was:
(...)
She just needs a serious wake up call, hopefully from her psych in the near future.
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I can understand if you want to keep some hope but unfortunately if I were you I'd be way more skeptical, it would take way more than some discussion with her psychologist.
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Even if her psych just gets her to question the real source of the problems, I think if anything, she might have doubts and consider not cutting ties here entirely. All I want is a friendship. Some kind of distant communication to see if she actually does change. Something to help her realize it wasn't us.
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Change about such serious issues would probably take
several years even if she starts working on it.
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I just don't get it. I don't get how if someone asks you a question you don't want to talk about, why not just tell them you don't want to talk about it and drop it? Or if they say something that hurts your feelings, let them know it hurt your feelings and why, so they have a chance to clarify or apologize or whatever is necessary to resolve it?
She just can't control her emotions long enough to do that.
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Yeah, unfortunately that just seems like the reality.
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I guess only time will tell what happens. It's just with how amazing we were at one point, and knowing it isn't an "us" issue, but other things hurting us (some of which can definitely be worked on), it's hard to really believe it's over. It's like the best part of my life is gone, and now all I'm living for is my kids. I can't fathom finding this again. I mean the good that we had, the chemistry, etc.
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I hope you'll eventually feel like you can risk going out there again and try with another, more stable, more sane and sensible woman who's also got some satisfying chemistry with you.
It doesn't even have to be a full 10/10 chemistry. I've read before that such a 10/10 chemistry can more easily result in a toxic relationship as it's just not a maintainable dynamics long-term, that is, the partners feel such a strong chemistry because of how e.g. they are opposites attracting each other but these opposites are too different for it to work long-term, things like that.