I SH again when I couldn’t sleep last night. I made a mess of things. I woke up with regret. I took even more Xanax out of desperation to get to sleep before I really did something dumb. No one wants to go to the ER at 1am.

I’m not gonna take Xanax anymore right now, it’s not helping and it’s the more dangerous of the two options if I lose track.

I was super hungover this morning from all the extra sedatives and as such I wasn’t restless, just severely depressed, which is MUCH more preferable. Odd statement but true. However once the meds wore off around 1pm it was back to how it has been. RS convinced me to put his fleece pants in over my leggings And layer up for a quick walk outside after he watched me twist my hands and bounce my leg for ten minutes. It helped, it was freaking cold with the wind gusting at 30-40mph but I got some energy out and I’ve now taken 50mg seroquel (dr recommended) to remain calm.

I’m still not sure if staying off work for a few days is a good idea, I’m still waiting it out to see if the larger dose of seroquel XR takes hold before then. If not I may have to. It does give me a distraction but I’m not able to be my best self, I want to punch everyone who even looks at me the wrong way. That’s not fair on the students or my teammates.

I think I’m going to take a short nap. I keep hoping when I wake up it will have all disappeared.