@BethRags
You are not being too blunt, don’t worry. Honestly I haven’t noticed myself decompensating to this point but you’re right. I am not doing well right now, not at all. The SH wasn’t even a want, it wasn’t like “oh I’m depressed, this is what I’d like to do, let’s go for it”. It was “do it or you will not survive this episode”.

I do not know when I will see pdoc again, I didn’t make an appointment when I left and I did not pick up the phone when they called to make one. Pdoc told me she will be in again on Tuesday and to call then. When I saw her on Thursday she only changed the seroquel xr to 400mg. I had been taking 300mg for a few weeks I think, maybe two or three, no idea honestly.

I hate IP, I just hate it. I didn’t used to. Every time I go now, though, I know how much I’m hurting my son and I can’t stand it. I try so hard to hide this all from him so he doesn’t feel like it’s his fault or his responsibility to fix me. When my facade does slip occasionally I just say I’m very sad because my brain is acting up, but it’s not his fault and I will be ok. But I really can’t pretend if I have to go away, can I? RS is more than capable of caring for him but he is an emotional man, which I love, but it’s difficult for him to hide his sadness when I am IP.

I just don’t see what IP would even do for me in the first place, I’ve been on so many meds and there are too many unacceptable side effects. And pdocs don’t believe me sometimes when I say I’m having a side effect because it’s not well known. But I can find it listed on like whatever those sites are, drugs.com or rxlist or something.

I don’t know, I just don’t know. RS is home until Tuesday at least.