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Originally Posted by poshgirl
Hi Motts
It's understandable that you feel hurt but we do expect better behaviour from siblings and relatives because of who they are.
My niece (17 next month) always appreciates the gifts I've given her. However, she now gets money because her mother has habit of giving away things after a couple of years. My niece also has more decency and integrity than many of her relatives (parents, grandparents, half-sister, wider family). My brother is her father.
Later in life (I'm 60+), we often realise that we don't have a relationship with siblings for any number of reasons. Things we've excused in the past because of the blood relationship can be called into question through either a gradual realisation or a defining event.
I'm estranged from my brother because of his wife's behaviour. Relationship with my mother also not good because I will not apologise to my sister in law for her bad behaviour towards me. Many years ago, an ex-work colleague asked why I put up with my family's behaviour. When I replied it's because they're family, he replied, "that does mean they can treat you that way". He'd ceased contact with his family because of his mother's attitude.
Hope this makes sense. It's sad when you realise that you have nothing in common with close relatives but there is a life outside of these toxic relationships.  |
Hi poshgirl,
It does make sense, what you wrote and from what you discovered with your own experience with your family.
Sounds like is not like my niece so that is good! It is very smart that you only give your niece money since your sister selfishly gives your gifts to her daughter away. Your brother's wife's bad behavior sounds like it would be exhausting to deal with on a regular basis. And, it's sad that your brother refuses to see the damage that's caused with his relationship to you - his sister.
It's true. At some point in our lives, we come to that realization that we don't have a relationship with siblings for any number of reasons. The unfortunate reality is that they will never apologize for their behaviors, b/c that would mean they have to acknowledge their own bad behavior, which self-centered types of people are incapable of doing.
The hardest for me is to accept that my family rejects me. That, I don't need to reject myself just because they choose to reject me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuseumGhost
I was going to share with you, gently, that it seems by all you've shared that your sister and her daughter are quite possibly narcissists. Your sister seems to have taught your niece that it's okay to treat you like this, so she's at the very least a completely self-absorbed young woman; and, at worst, a narcissist like her Mom.
It took me years to piece together the truth of a very similar situation with my own sister and niece. I am still healing from years of game-playing and devaluation of me that my sister engaged in. It does help to become as educated as you can about the disorder---because it affects you profoundly as a sibling, whether you ever realize what it actually is propelled by, or not.
I could write a whole book about what it created, and destroyed, in my life. But I'd rather hug you and tell you, You are NOT alone!
Getting our heads around the disorder helps by removing the continual and soul-scouring self-examination and ruminations, wondering what we could have done differently. Narcs are geniuses at turning it all into OUR problem, OUR shortcomings. Don't take the bait!
I've also learned that any reputation damage my sister tried to inflict over the years fortunately only had short staying power. People pretty much knew me to be a much finer person than the "me" she tried so desperately to portray. So it largely backfired on her. And I'm at an age now where I basically do not give a rat's about what anyone thinks of me, anymore, anyway---even if they were once highly-respected family members.
I hope you know you're not the only person to have suffered these humiliations. You can move on, and you can heal.
It takes time and perspective, but it can happen.   |
Yes, I believe you are correct. I do believe that my sister has taught my niece that it's ok to devalue and minimize my feelings based on my sister's own negative feelings towards me. That, and my niece may just generally be very emotionally immature at 21 years old and impressionable with her mother who is very stubborn and overbearing and controlling.
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Getting our heads around the disorder helps by removing the continual and soul-scouring self-examination and ruminations, wondering what we could have done differently. Narcs are geniuses at turning it all into OUR problem, OUR shortcomings. Don't take the bait!
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I need to stop taking my sister's bait. I still do. I need to just walk away 100% and stop all communication because it's not changing anything. And, I need to create closure within myself because my sister and my niece are both incapable and/or unwilling to acknowledge their bad behavior. I have to figure out how to do that with a support system b/c I would have walked away a long time ago if I'd had more a social support network.
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It took me years to piece together the truth of a very similar situation with my own sister and niece. I am still healing from years of game-playing and devaluation of me that my sister engaged in. It does help to become as educated as you can about the disorder---because it affects you profoundly as a sibling, whether you ever realize what it actually is propelled by, or not.
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How did you successfully heal? I continuously educate myself reading journal articles about narcissism, blogs from adult estranged siblings about their own experiences, and studies about adult sibling estrangement and narcissism. Yet, here I am, choosing to remain stuck, suffering the humiliations, the devaluation and game playing at the hands of my sister.
How do I move on, though? That remains to be seen.
I appreciate you and poshgirl etc sharing your experiences with narcissistic family members because it gives me a broader perspective and helps me reflect on my own situation. I just don't know how to move on 100%. Or, why I won't yet. They clearly don't value me or respect me.