Daughter is 13. She and I have been talking a lot about the state of things lately. Since she has been going to counseling, it seems she is much more open to talking to me about how she is affected by her dad’s mental illness, and how she is affected by her parents fighting, and other things she deals with regarding her owns feelings and behaviors.

I try not to fight with him, addressing his ongoing behaviors can quickly lead to disagreements and bickering. yesterday I vocalized to her that my continued financial and emotional stress and concern for how my children are affected has built up such a uncomfortable level of resentment in me, which influences my behavior. I engage in ridiculous arguments with him sometimes, and she has to hear it sometimes. I apologized to her for subjecting her to useless bickering and promised not to participate in fights.

She just wants it to be over and is researching apartments or a new home for us everyday now.

Im letting it sink in that repeatedly addressing the same behaviors is futile and crazy making. After a lot of talk from me, he asked if I would accept him smoking $50 of weed each week. I said I think that’s too much but obviously less than what he has been doing. He even made a comment how if we did split bank accounts then he could potentially spend more than 50 sometimes as he saw fit and he acted giddy and pleased at that idea.
Earlier that day he told our daughter that since fed law against weed will go away and prices will then go down, he will be able to get more weed for the money. She was very disturbed by this which is what prompted me to repeat my ultimatum about smoking and telling him how destructive he is being to our family and it can’t continue. Hence his 50 dollar a week offer.

I saw he was researching methods yesterday—I don’t remember how to do the trigger warning so I’ll leave it at that. I asked him about it. He said he was upset for 20 mins and he moved past it and it’s of no concern, yet that behavior is in his “red zone” and he had when inpatient determined red zone equals going inpatient. I had upset him (not about weed) so that’s why he was researching. He said I criticize him all the time and that’s why he’s upset. I said if being around me causes him to be red zone, then perhaps it’s not ideal to be around me since it’s not worth his life. And that I don’t want him doing something drastic to spite me. He said no that it’s fine and it was just an impulsive thing that passed.

Lately a few times our daughter has scolded him I guess you could say about things he does that affect her. It might last a minute at the most. It seems he will or does blame me for her doing this. He blamed me for our counselor reacting to him not having his own therapy for a month. She said oh no why so long? That session was three weeks ago but he just brought it up to me, saying that she only had that reaction because of me. So I feel like he thinks I am influencing people against him?

I worked all week under great stress, getting more exhausted each day until Friday I burst into tears and had to close my office door for five minutes so no one would see me.

My mind is starting to get more clear about all this but of course im still fighting off the fantasy that these relationships can improve in place.