I always felt like I was wanting to barge myself onto the scene even when it was clear I wasn't a part of it. I think being a part of the dance or cheer team or 4H would have done me quite a bit of good. Now I live with this emptiness. I was part of 4H camp as a little kid for maybe one year but I certainly don't remember it. As you can see, what good would that do me? It would have helped if I could have been part of it older so I would have remembered more of this type of good thing you know. I think there needs to be some kind of a real virtual reality activity or something that makes you seriously feel you're there when you're really not or not able to be part of the fun. I don't know. Just some wacky idea of mine. I know this sounds pretty dumb, but I can't help but feel that it would have made for some good memories to have remembered boating with other kids or shouting cheers or dancing to the latest music as part of a group. There's no great feeling like that. I didn't feel okay being alone in my room the other day. Then, I had a strong feeling of worthlessness today after I went out. It made me sad that going out didn't help me to feel better about myself at all because I was going for an appointment and got to do something more fun afterwards. I felt put down for it, by the person who was with me, but I was more than glad still to get away from the place. I sorely needed it. I have at times dreamed of being somewhere else other than where I'm reminded of the pain that I felt of feeling left out. I wish I could just dull this feeling worth less than.